I AM A FREAK
2001-05-17 4:25 a.m.

average day grade : 4.5.

Im depressed. not angry, not upset, not suffering, just sad with a kinda of apathetic acceptance of the truth.

i am a freak. i dont know how to talk to people. i cant. almost always at least. my mind goes blank. im almost never natural with my behavior with others. now how sad is that.

and the most frustrating thing is that i got it from my father. I HATE MY FATHER.

I HATE him for being the kinda of social loner he is, and even more for making me one.

a month ago or so he talked to me about how he wished to stop working and travel all over the world. then i asked what about me and my mom and he said he'll come visit us every 3 month or so. NOW COULD YOU BE A MORE SAD FAMILY THAN THAT?

the truth is he doesnt care about us.

he really would rather live a life of solitude.

BUT i do like people, and i do enjoy hanging out with them even though it envolves so much internal battles.

thats where i am different from my father.

he can adore or like someone, but from afar. I WONT TURN OUT TO BE LIKE HIM.

and even if i will have his character, i wont settle for his life, a life where his biggest satifaction is reading the newspaper. ill find myself a lifestyle of my own, and wont compromise like he did.

Ill only be where i want to be, with whom i want to be.

when i look at little kids i envy them so much : they act so natural and innocent it hurts. they dont think about every thing they do, and what to say, and how to act.

god i want to be like that. I THINK TOO FUCKING MUCH FOR MY OWN GOOD!

quote of the day: "like the happy are above time, so are the unhappy."

it sounds better in hebrew.... but i hope the meaning is still understood.... :(