CHILDHOOD TRAUMA STORY
2001-05-18 4:20 a.m.

first of all im gonna stop with the day grading... its shallow and it says nothing about the day.

so

today i felt horrbile and cryed for the first time in a couple of monthes.

my mini childhood lame replacement of a trauma story:

background: i lived in california for 2 years, and i came to visit israel for a week or 2. i was 11.

all my friends were at school so i went to a park nearby to read a book. (i rememeber it was by the author of "treasure island"). i was sitting there reading my book, when some middle aged guy sat next to me and started talking to me. then he offered to go somewhere else, somewhere more distant from other people. stupidly i shyly agreed(!!!!). we sat on a bench and i was reading my book when he offered ill sit on his lap. stupidly i shyly agreed. (!!!!). then he moved his hips, and i still kept trying to read my book. i knew something was wrong, but felt helpless. SO FUCKING HELPLESS. then he started kissing my head and he asked me does it feel nice. I SHYLY SAID YES. (!!!!!).

a while passed and then i gathered courage and told him i have to go, and ran to my friend's nearby school.

i went to the bathroom there and cryed.

I told one of my friends that afternoon what happened, and except one time i never spoke of it again to a living soul.

I know its no rape story, and no real phyiscal contact or something, just hair kissing...... but it did shock me, and even today thinking about it hurts. WHY did he abuse a little 11 year old boy?!!!!!! WHY did i agree?!!!!!!!

today i was driving and stopped at a stoplight. i looked out the window and saw a kid sitting on a bench and talking to a middle aged man, the type you know are just the lonely distorted fellows who abuse little boys. and then the man kissed the boys forhead. then he looked at me and i automatically looked away.

then the light changed to green and i kept on driving, shouting and yelling at myself for not doing anything.

BUT WHAT COULD I DO?????. get out of the car and punch him? call the police?? didnt seem practical at the time. (no phone, in the middle of traffic) BUT WHY DOES AN INNOCENT BOY HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE EXPERIENCE I WENT THROUGH??? and thats if he's lucky and wont get raped.

I COULD HAVE SAVED HIM FROM PROBABLY THE WORST EXPERIENCE OF HIS LIFE, AND INSTEAD I JUST DROVE ON. LIKE FEELING ANGRY HELPS A DAMN FUCKING THING. LIKE PRAYING FOR THE BOY HELPS A DAMN FUCKING THING!!!!

then i got home and cryed. stupid fucking world.

quote of the day : "god loves his childrean, GOD LOVES HIS CHILDREN, YEAH"