resolution is it?
2001-06-10 12:02 a.m.

here i am. did i study good for my big math exam tommarow? i think i did kinda, but not enough. im just so exhausted of trying to be concentrated infront of my stupid notebook, solving stupid trigonometric and algebric problems. i wanna be past my test tommarow, go home, and sleep good hours, cause there's not a chance i'll fall asleep anytime soon because of my fucked up sleeping schedule. i really dont think there was one day in the last month that i went to sleep before 2 a.m.

and then i'll finish my test, go home and sleep, and feel hollow. i'll probably think "okay now i finished my test, time to have fun". and i'll look at my possibilties of fun, which wont be very much, and feel hollow. like something is missing. and ofcourse before i have time to drown in my sorrows, i'll have to start studying for the next literautaure test in a week. and then my last test in two weeks.

okay im gonna promise myself : after the test in 2 weeks,after highschool is done, instead of doing the same crap, staying home all day, i will make my self do things which i wouldnt usually, even if it wont be easy.

cause i always know WHAT i should do. i know that just waiting for things to happen wont help. the problem is i dont know HOW to do them. and even if i do figure out HOW to do them, i cant make myself do them because of brain holdbacks and fears.

for example : instead of having nice but meaningless icq chats with this girl who lives in tel aviv, i SHOULD somehow get her phone number, and i SHOULD somehow ask her on a date. see i do know what i SHOULD do. but still im not doing it. WHY you may ask. well cause im afraid : im afraid of embarassment, im afraid of intimacy, im afraid of things i dont even know how to explain. and thats stupid i know. and i do have fucking nothing to lose, right?

so my resolution for today, is to end right along with highschool the stupid era the came along with it. in the mean time you have 2 more weeks of "pleasure" until the real "work" begins. god the test of life is so much more mindwrecking than the stupid school tests. sigh.........

well then. will i be able to live up to my resolution, or will all my entries in a month will be filled with rage and tears? time will tell.

and fuck everybody anyway.

i dont know. maybe i regret writing this entry. i dont know.

quote of the day " all my life is on me now, hail the pages turning, and the future's on the bound, hell dont know my fury".

thanks fiona.