definately final piano recital
2001-06-18 1:34 a.m.

had my last piano recital today.

i guess i should explain a bit since i never mentioned i played the piano before.

i started learning to play the piano at age 8. i didnt take it too seriously until age 13 when i started learning with my beloved teacher galina.

so for as long as i remember myself i have practiced the piano every day for and hour or so. always had this thing binding me from doing other stuff, this inner voice telling me "you havent practiced enough today!!!".

but i liked it all in all. there was a time when i was dying to quit playing the piano, when all i wanted was to do was to hang out with my friends, or watch tv. but NO, im happy i sticked with it. i did earn a lot of mental experience from it. and i learned how to make myself work in order to fulfill a job that needs to be done. and it was satisfying in the big picture.

and everyone always told me how talented i was. GOOD FOR ME.

so today i had my last and final recital. that means i will never have a recital again probably. that means that at least in the near future im rid of the feeling that i cant do other stuff, cause i have to sit infront of the piano.

I CANT BELIEVE IT. it was satisfying while it lasted. but enough.

and no more stressing recitals for me. i have such a fear of crowd its amazing. so each time i sit in my chair waiting for my turn to come, feeling my heart speeding at 200 kilometers per hour ( that 124,74 miles per hour just so you know....).

and i try to calm my self down. but instead i start imagining how i'll pee in my pants infront of all those people. how i'd feel myself losing the ability to control my needs, feel my pants getting wet. than i'd stand up, and everyone would look at me.

AHHHHHHHHH. GOD THAT WOULD SUCK SO MUCH.

or sometimes i imagine i would throw up. and i actually feel my fluids rising in my body. and throwing up on the grand piano in that room would have been quite embarassing too, dont you think?

but fortunately i never peed or threw up in recitals, just played with my hands shaking like hell. and its pretty hard to play that way you know, when your leg is going up and down faster than the eye can percieve, and youre supposed to step on the pedal. hehehehehehehe

but despite the shaking i played very good, and everyone told me how wonderfull and full of talent i am. weepee. i guess.

oh and i had my final exam in literature. went good but who gives a fuck anyway. so just 4 more days and my final exam in math and im done with high school. and hopefully done with other stuff too, if you know what i mean.....

well im not deluding myself - the day after my last exam will probably feel like any other day - probably crappy. but it does symbolize an end of an era. hopefully it would more than just symbolize.....

reminder to self : be strong, reach the promised lands.

quote of the day " one day, when you're ready, one day, when you're up to it. "

i should make myself make one day become today. god i hate this.