tristis (moody)
2001-07-02 4:32 a.m.

today i didnt cry. that should be considered as a huge achievement. but should it really? i mean what is better - to be utterly depressed, feeling your heart scream, crying , or just feeling normally bored and disgusted with yourself? on the scale of happy - sad option 1 is on the most right side of the scale, and option 2 is a bit closer to happy. but is my goal, and of the human race in general, really is to be HAPPY ? im not sure at all. and WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE ANYWAY? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

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so right now i guess im somewhere in the middle in the happy-sad scale. maybe even a bit happy. but not more than a bit.

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dor said to me something like "you should stop apoligizing, and nothing you say can scare me away like you're afraid of". hell you might be able to handle me telling you i walk alone at night and cry, but wait till i tell you i have a bit of a crush on you. you'll run away like a puppy.

but i wont tell him that though. i dont want to scare him away. but anyway i think i am scaring him nonetheless. oh well. just dont be too shattered when you realize he cant or doesnt want to be what you want him to be. there's a very good chance he doesnt want me even as a friend. please dont be shattered. at least not too much. he's probably not even worth my feelings. (here i am setting the ground for the future.)

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oh and yesterday lolita had her birthday and i forgot to put the link to her diary so here it is now

Teacupstorm

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quote of the day : "moody - having moods that often change, especailly when being bad-tempered. mood - a state of mind or spirits. mind - the part of a person's brain responisble for thoughts and feelings."

i know im repeating the pattern i started yesterday. but hell i like these english journeys so deal with it if it bores you.