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revelation? NO, revelation! okay. okay! much work to be done. ........................................ yesterday. went to my cousins and aunts place. i drived there. thinking about how im miserable, but have to be strong. and think im doing reasonable. and i park and get ready to get out of the car. and then 2 simple yet sad chords from the radio. and i snap. start crying. like a 4 year old. and start yelling ( in hebrew for a change to emphasize the realness of it ) " I CANT ANYMORE ". and i yell and i cry and i yell and i cry and i yell and i cry. with no dignity what so ever. LOWER THAN LOW. and i get out of the car, tell myself i need to compose. and people pass me by, and then i climb the little sand hill nearby, and fall on the sand, crying and crying and crying. LOWER than low. and then i walked around for 15 minutes or so, knowing i cant go up like this to my cousins. and i went up, and smiled and said how are you doing and when they asked me i said im doing fine and went quickly to the bathroom and washed my face and everything WAS JUST FINE. heh. well maybe not FINE, but i was doing a bit better. so i hung out with my 14 year old cousin [who's going to my ( or what was my) highschool next year ]. and we went to bed at 4:30, and the second i heard him snore i went to the living room, opened the window, and stood there with a very nice view of tel aviv infront of me. and I started talking to myself, and doing this little yoga-like dance. and i did this for a bit more than an hour, watching the sky turn from black to dark blue to light blue. and during my self-talking i reached many important decisions/conclusions: "ALL my self battles are a result of no self-confidence, of feeling im not good enough, of feeling im pathetic, of coming from a weak position when dealing with reality. the SECOND you will be confident of yourself all of the battles will go away. no more being uptight no more flushing no more sweating no more not knowing what to say no more battles. everything is just symptoms of low self-confidence, of not being sure of who you are, of giving in to society. FUCK society. i dont care about society. i WONT feel pathetic cause i have never even kissed anyone only because society tells me i should feel like that. if i come to situations like this thinking "i have to get laid before i go to the army so i wont feel pathetic" it'll be stupid and you just wont succed either. cause thats just being weak, and i dont want weak, and nobody else does. i dont CARE AT ALL what society thinks of me. NOT A RATS EYE. i want very much to have a romantic experience and a relationship, but NOT because society tells me i have to, but because it'll be fun and satisfying. and even if i dont have some in the near future, i WILL not feel lesser from ANYONE. cause thats how things worked out and im not lesser than anyone. IM A LOT BETTER than most people. most people are medicore. most people are boring. most people arent worth a penny. and im worth A LOT. im special, intelligent, funny, creative, good looking ( i need to get some muscles, but i have a lovely face... ive been getting a lot of compliments lately :) ), AND SO MUCH MORE. and i dont need to be accepted by society : HELL i dont WANT to be accepted by society. and thus i should STOP feeling lesser than everyone. CAUSE IM NOT. and dont just think that, BELIEVE in that cause its true. so i know who i want to become. i have to become this person. cause there's no other choice. actually there another choice : to keep on sinking lower and lower, to start going to therapy, to give up on your life cause youre weak and cant handle it. BUT I CAN HANDLE IT. I AM STRONG. I REALLY AM. and i know nothing is going to be easy. its not like i make this decisions/resolutions now and everything will change instantly. cause it wont. but the stronger you are, the more you trully believe, the quicker the process will be. and there will most likely be struggles along the way, times you feel you forget your path again, cause youre ever so used to doing that and you dont know anything else. but you do know your way. and being strong and knowing your way you'll get over them. DEPRESSION is not the solution to find a meaningfull life. DEPRESSION SUCKS ass. the wanted way of life is not being disgusted with your social self, and then writing rage entries in your diary, and yelling like a 4 year old. thats just weakness. the wanted way of life is to be at total peace with yourself and who you are, to be totally sure of yourself, and find the meaning in real life, and not in this diary or only when you're alone. and i do need to think about the details of everyday life: i need to come to EVERY single event in my life, to EVERY conversation with EVERYONE from a point of strongess. knowing you rock. not from a point of weakness. not from a state of mind of trying-to-get-by-somehow. and like dor said not from being passive but active. of getting what you want. and thats not everything that needs to be said. thats just words, and words are meaningless. but the feeling i have is the thing which is powerful." ........................................ so thats pretty much it. i think i've FOUND MY WAY. i was just about to say PLEASE, but i wont, cause there's no use in saying please. oh and i said everything in hebrew for a change, cause even though english is much much better in everyway, my life is in hebrew, and im not running away from real life anymore. ......................................... i said to dor : "okay. where do i start.
im okay. i had a few very very rough days, but im okay now. i had a bit of a revelation. and i was seeking for help cause i felt i wasnt strong enough to deal with myself anymore. and thats why i turned to you.
but you couldnt help me even if you tried. youre a very very nice person but you cant be who i want you to be. i've been thinking about you a lot, too much, and i created another you in my head. i know i know i know im fucked up. you dont have to tell me.
so as you can see it really is all im my head, and when i said to you im sorry again and again it wasnt you i apologizing from, but from myself, cause i know im only to be disappointed cause im expecting something from you which you cant give me. only i can save myself.
and i can because i am strong enough. i really am. dont worry about me.
i really dont have a clue what you think of me these last days, or if you've thought of me at all, or how will you will respond to this e-mail. it doesnt really matter i guess. i think.
anyway im gonna try to not make everything so complex like i always do. i hope we do become friends. but i'll leave you alone with all the "help" shit.
i had to write you this e-mail to satisfy my brain........
bye bye, dan." he said (translating for you now) : " dan - when will you stop apoligizing all the time? and when will you stop torturing yourself for no reason? i want you to stop thinking all the time of what happened in the past, use your opportunity that you have to start life from scratch, leaving the things you like about yourself and getting the things you dont have. the world is at your reach and youre stuck with your head in the ground. you happened to talk to me when i just got out of a similar period in my life when i couldnt appreciate anything i accomplished and that i had in my life and i was always depresseed and unhappy. but i understood thats not that way to life your life and enjoy it. so i really dont mind you talking to me about whats bothering you and its good to know you value you me as someone you can talk too and dont stop if its important for you." cute huh? well thats not the piece of advice that will change my life, but he did surprise me and said pretty smart things, no? damn why isnt he gay!! or bi!! okay i need to see how we interact in real life now after all this new stuff, if we can become friends. and if he doesnt want me as friend i dont care. im not gonna be obsessive bout him anymore. ......................................... oh an jealousy is another thing i'm erasing this moment from my vocabulary. okay erased. i dont need to be jealous of anyone, cause im strong and happy with who i am and what i do. jealousy is weakness, thus im not a bit jealous of ehud, dor, or anyone. ........................................ im flying this saturday to greece for a week with my friends. WEEEEEEEEEEEE. it'll be fun surely. yep. though i wish my friends were more party animals and not such non-adventorous-afraid-of-the-unknown dorks. but hell i guess i cant blame them ive been abroad more than 200 times, and its only the second ehud is leaving israel, and they never really were alone out of israel so it probably frightens them. oh well i'll just have to make them see its fun and not scary. ....................................... okay. do i have anything more to say? i dont think so. im finishing this entry. i think there's a good chance i'll come back to it if i ever need to remember where im going. hi there future dan!!! love you. hahaha what a freak. quote(s) of the day : -revelation : " the making known (of something secret or hidden) ; something surprising which is revealed. - "enough (?..) with the crying game" - "every day is a winding road, i get a little bit closer, every is a faded sign, i get a little bit closer, every day is a winding road, i get a little bit closer, every day is a faded sign, i get a little closer, FEELING FINE." (i know , NOT the songs of the century to say the least........... but if the words work then they work........) |