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i dont know whats happening with me these days im 18 and a day. birthday offically over. ........................................ i dont know whats happening with me. irrationial feelings and moods all the time, thus very hard to explain. and its been pretty much the same all this past week or 2. i dont know whats happening to me. so today was like all the recent days, basically. so i might as well describe it: woke up at one p.m. , and that is early conisidering my usual sleeping patterns. talked to lior, dor, cousin. got some mazal tov's... ( happy birthday's ). played quake, read diaries, ate, feeling okay about life. went with lior, dor and shira to the beach, met nir there. being at beach between 5 and 8. swimming a bit, hating seawater cause salt gets into my eyes and my nose, which hurts like hell. digging up the beachsand with dor until we get to water. now all this might really sound fun, but i dont know whats happening with me. it was .... okay. annoyed and frustrated with dor. saying i dont care anymore, BELIEVING i dont care anymore, but still caring abit. i know he's just nobody, i know he's childish, i know he doesnt get anything, i know he's dumb at times, but still caring abit. i dont have the slightest clue what i mean when i say "caring abit".... ( just for the record, besides all the bad things, i still like him as person... but he doesnt deserve more than that, y'know.... ) going home. taking shower. getting that same feeling i've been having alot lately : of not being able to breath mentally, of this heart-ache, this undesrcribable pain. why? i dont know. by the "dor" paragraph you might have figured thats it's because of him, but really its not. i dont know why. i dont know whats happening to me. at 10 p.m. going with nir, lior, shira and ayelet to eat pizza and then sitting by the beach. at first feeling a bit better, maybe even nice, then sinking and sinking and sinking to that feeling. wanting OUT. and at the end while driving back home feeling nice, the "feeling" gone. i dont know whats happening to me. i get home at 2 a.m. play computer, eat, read diaries, get ready to sleep, write this entry. current feeling : apathetic, with a mixture of desperation and happiness. i dont know whats happening to me. ......................................... so these are my days. waking up late, being with my friends doing "fun" things, wasting parents money, feeling reasonably okay with friends but not having real fun, and the minute im left alone i drown. and i dont even know why. and i want to die. eventhough im optimistic, eventhough i dont have any real thing that bothers me. its a totally different depression than the ones i had a month ago or so. i might try to blame it on not being able to cope with this "meaningless" lifestyle. i might try to blame it on dor. i might try to blame it on broken discman and lack of music. i might try to blame it on not being able to cope with the fact that for the first time in my life i dont have plans for the near future, atleast until i go to the army in 8 month. even in past school summer vacations, i had 2 full month of doing nothing, but i knew where i was going, and that i'd go back to school eventually. now its just ...... all so vague. i dont think that its that simple anyway. none of the above explanations is the right one. i dont know whats happening with me this days. and the thing is im not depressed all the time, im sometimes happy and satisfied. but the depression feelings afterwards are much stronger... .......................................... well thats my current life. conclusion : tommarow i shall call sony and see what i need to do to get my discman repaired, swim cause that always makes me feel good, start reading a book - preferablly the master and the margharita cause many great diaryland people like it, call nir's guitar teacher and start learning to play the guitar asap. AND I should try to find some kind of job soon. i think that might be wise for myself. ....................................... dor's leaving tommarow for a week seminar, and in a month he'll be leaving for good to another city. good. at first the thought of that made me sad, but its good nonetheless, cause im wasting too much thoughts on him. and using him as an excuse for depression when i dont have any other reasonable one. (excuse is NOT the same as reason if you haven't noticed) .......................................... got this e-mail : "Searched long and hard for things worth reading. you were among the few things I found. -Kaygatto". :) ......................................... quote of the day : "tommarow will be another day". i think im pretty happy right now. i think. |