| <<<< |
new |
>>>> |
HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW? so 2 days ago nir asked me "do i consider myself to be a happy person?". my first instinct was saying "no, i dont consider myself a happy person". i said that cause i usually consider myself to be a very depressive human being. i said that cause the incident of the day before, when i smashed my head against the wall and started hitting the pillow with all my might like a madman flew threw my head. but there's a big BUT. BUT i love life. i love all the oppurtunities i get along with life, even when i hate life. i love life, even when im smashing my head against the wall. that doesnt make me less sad, frustrated, angsty, or less in the mood for crying. actually right now i would really love to cry. im not sad enough though, im just slightly annoyed with myself. damn. i dont think i have the ability to commit suicide hidden within me. i just dont take myself seriously enough to be able to do anything like that. SO, what im trying to say is that the real answer to nir's question should be "HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW". ......................................... a few hours ago, as a result of extreme anti-social frustrating behaviour and inspired by reading older boy-ashamed entries, i went to gay.com, just to see what i might find there in the chat rooms. so i ended up chatting with a 32 year old guy from israel. him : "what do you mean you dont know if you're gay or not? when you jack off do you fantasize about girls or boys? ". me : "lately mostly boys ". him : "gay". .......................................... BUT if i had the chance now to choose a boy/girl i think i would choose girl. anyway all this ramblings dont hold any meaning, nothing i say/think now really matters. thinking about it is a bit nice though. oh and ofcourse if i wanted to i could find myself some stranger fuck buddy tonight from gay.com.... i DONT think so. its amazing how easy it is though. .......................................... quote of the day " im a loser baby, so WHY dont you kill me.... " |