then you are confused.
2001-08-18 8:04 p.m.

when you're not sure about anything.

when all they way to the beach dor, ayelet and shira were fighting with one another about stupid nothings, while you were thinking "silly people".

when you were going to the fucking trip to have some fun. but you dont have any idea if it was fun.

when you see dor get annoyed and act very childish on the way, and think "why do i have so much feelings for this guy?".

when after setting up the tent you talk with dor, and he tells you about the girl he's interested in.

WHEN YOURE FUCKING DROWNING IN THOUGHTS ABOUT YOUR SOCIAL SELF AND FEARS FROM INTIMACY. WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE YOURE SO EXHAUSTED FROM YOURSELF.

when you absolutely know that its all irrational.

when you feel your optimism for yourself cracking a bit.

when you have a talk with ayelet, very close to telling her that you're somewhat in love with dor. but then deciding that those kind of stuff are too meaningful to be said offhandedly, without the otherside taking it seriously.

when you eat good tasty barbecued food and enjoy the company.

when you suddenly feel so emotonally weak, feeling this aching tinge in your heart.

when preferring to go hear a cure cd, instead of staying and talking with nice shira and dor.

when you're not sure if you prefered that because you're really a lonesome spirit, and you really need it, or because you just have the urge to make them think that im strange.

when not sure why you were depressed, having a feeling im just using dor as an excuse. maybe being depressed because im very frustrated, maybe because im just self-destructive, maybe its just caused by some mental disease, and looking for reasons is worthless.

when you're WAY too self-analytical.

when im WAY too self-analytical.

when you're WAY too self-analytical.

when completely falling for the cure cd.

when being completely aware im being overly dramatic.

when after hearing my cure cd i return to the tent to find everybody sleeping.

when lying next to sleeping dor in my sleeping bag, CRAVING to put my hand through his hair, and instead just slightly touching it so i wont wake him.

when closing my eyes, trying to imagine that when i'll open them his face will be above me kissing me. thinking that trying hard enough might make it happen. knowing im being overly dramatic. opening my eyes.

when pondering that maybe this is just a very childish crush, the ones 14 year old girls have on older guys, crushes which cant be fulfilled in the first place. hating that idea. hoping its not that kinda of crush. thinking that i really thought a few monthes ago it might work.

when writing this being aware that im being again overly dramatic, maybe colouring things with more exciting colours than they really are. maybe not. cause my feelings yesterday were very strong. i dont really have that big of a crush on him. i dont know if i do at all. ?.

when dor asks me "whats wrong?" i automatically responded "nothing" and looked away, feeling very sarcarstic with myself. but then thinking about whats wrong, knowing i dont really know. that even if i WAS completely honest with him, i wouldn't know what to say. its NOT all because of that little crush. its much deeper stuff which i cant comprehend, and definately cant get close to explaining it even if i do comprehend it on some level. i think. ?.

when dreaming of dor while im asleep .

when waking up in the morning. "disintegration" is in the back of my head. yesterday night, today in the morning. and now while writing this. download it please.

when packing up the tent and all the stuff. feeling okay. was i depressed yesterday? and depressed is such a general word which cant fit into anything im feeling anyway. hating words.

when drawing on the sand with a stick a big question mark.

when all the way home, in car, while stopping to eat in a resteraunt, pretty much feeling good. fun? i dont know what that is. but kinda of nice.

when thinking now why do i linger on the bad stuff, and just write briefly half-apoligetically about the nice stuff.

when getting home, and when parting with dor saying it was pretty nice all in all, eventhough i was pretty depressed yesterday. "why were you depressed? we'll talk on the phone". "there's really nothing to talk about".

when now reading over the entry, realizing that i strayed from the "when you're" intitial pattern, to "when i'm". very freudonic.

when feeling like "?".

when you're not sure about anything.

THEN YOU ARE CONFUSED. (and way too self-analytical).