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we'll see.
2001-08-29 12:39 a.m.

dor is leaving in 3 days , for another city. i'll still see him from time to time.

i carry around a little notebook whenever i can, and i scribble there little drawings and stuff that pops through my mind. he told me he wanted one two.

so my ingenius mind started thinking. i'll buy him his notebook, and in the first few pages i'll write something like this:

"i dont presume nothing you're about to read in the next few pages will surprise you. i really dont, cause even the stuff that will surprise you, you already know at some level. but i think these are things that need to be said.

so first of all lets get things cleared, cause i can feel your confusion. i like boys sometimes. i like girls sometimes. it's that simple. i really dont know what i'll be, ask me in ten years. but what im begging you is to not categorize me in your mind now as a maybe gay guy , and forget everything else. i know you wont do that consciously, but im begging you not to do that unconsciously too.

hmmmmmm i wonder if you'll still jokingly call me gay now.

through the last couple of months you meant a lot to me. you told me not a long time ago that one thing that would make you happy was to be able to change something in a person's life, so he'll remember you forever. or something like that.

well you did make a difference. you helped me form my ever-so-needed personality, even if you didnt do anything. even if i just used you in my head. you tried to help me somewhat, you tried to understand me somewhat, and that was important to me.

i dont think that you really know me, you only know the parts which i let you. im not THAT weak as you might think, im not THAT helpless, im not THAT feminine and neurotic. sometimes i acted like that more than i should around you, cause i just.......

i just was a bit in love with you. (surprise surprise). and thats the biggest compliment i think i can give you. and thats all. (please dont be intimidated by me from now on....i wont try to rape you....)

so have a great year in haifa. you are a special person."

so maybe i'll write that to him. and maybe i wont. maybe i'll write different things to him. and maybe i'll come to a conclusion that this kinda of stuff needs to be said in words, and writing it in a notebook is just running away. maybe i'll come to a conclusion that writing him that i'll just make it more complicated, for him and for me. and maybe i'll write something like that to him afterall.

we'll see.

i really dont care THAT much.


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