happiness is just a point of view
2001-09-01 7:15 a.m.

dor is leaving in a few hours to haifa. i didnt write him the letter(see link). and i wasn't too dramatic when saying goodbye to him. i just hugged him and said " thank you for everything ".

laziness? cowardness? or maybe just the realization that no matter what his reaction would have been it would have only led me to pain?

i can still give him the letter anytime i want, he wont be that far away.... but no, he doesn't feel for me the intensity of feelings i feel for him, not even as a friend. im JUST another friend & interesting person to him.

a few weeks ago i thought "all in all its good he's leaving, that way it'll all be more simple". actually, do i want simple? NO. i want love, i want emotions, i want so much, asap. but this frustration isn't good. so maybe it's okay afterall, despite the acute tinge (right word?) in my heart.

oh and dor, i hold my fingers for you.

.........................................................................

yesterday they showed the wizard of oz on a big screen in tel aviv, so me and my friends went.

the wizard of oz was THE movie of my childhood, i saw it at least 6000 times on my home vcr. GOD i loved it so much.

and i remembered every scene by heart. but watching the movie yesterday was VERY strange. i saw the scenes, the same ones that i saw so many times when i was a child. and i felt again all the feelings i felt when watching the movie as a 4 year old.

cause i didnt "watch" the movie, i "lived" the movie back then. there's no describing the kinda of despair i felt each time the wicked witch tried hurting dorothy, there's no describing the feeling of anger i felt when the wicked witch said she would slaughter toto, there's no describing the humor i felt each time the scarecrow would fall down, there's no describing the happiness i felt when the wicked witch died "im melting, melting". there's no descrbing the serene feelings i had once dorothy managed to get back to her home in kensas. and so much more.

and all those feelings rushed back while watching the movie. and the scenes kept going SO fast, it seemed to me amazing that each one held so much meaning for me back then, touched me so deeply. AMAZING.

i dont feel those kinda of naive feelings anymore.

WHILE THE MOVIE CAME TO AND END I SHED 2 TEARS, WHICH I DIDNT WIPE AS THEY SLID DOWN TO MY NECK

..........................................

quote of the day : "happiness is just a point of view".

i'd like to think i'd thought of that myself, but surely i heard it somewhere and it lay in my subconcious. im just not smart enough.

anyway i cant express how much i agree with that phrase.