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eclectic entries.
2001-10-05 2:13 p.m.

all these past days i've been imagining different diary entries in my mind, and since i was always at my cousin's place i never had a chance to write them down. and although some might be outdated, here are some thoughts.

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ain't i the cool cousin. me and my 9 year old cousin turned off all the lights in the apartment, and put candles everywhere in the living room. then after me putting a janis joplin cd and taking a bottle of beer we played cards all night. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

(don't worry my cousin didn't drink the beer..)

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i can understand dor not wanting to be my lover, but him not wanting to be the kinda of friend i need, the friend that asks "are you okay?" when i'm quiet all night, a friend that TRIES to understand me, that, THAT makes me mad.

cause really what do i need another friend like that for? got plenty.

but hell i'm not easy to deal with. i decided to keep him nonetheless.

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i'm gonna give my cell phone number to another guy i chatted with. maybe i haven't learned my lesson from this, and maybe i have to take chances, and maybe i just want to fucking get laid.

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one step forward, two steps back, three steps forward, two steps to the left, two steps to the right, two steps forward, two steps back, one step forward.......

i'm good for the social environment. cause i recycle. i'm recycling states of mind and emotions and thoughts and it seems much too often that i've been here, and that i have the normal routin of depression, angst, hope, pessimism, indifference, content, depression...........

but each time there are certain variations which are later varied themselves, which leads to me feeling totally different than half a year ago, while almost exactly the same as a month ago. this is like evolution. (hopefully not circling) it's pretty sucky.

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something and everything about the ren and stimpy show is deeply disturbing.

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i'm disgusted at myself for wanting to get a really high grade on the psychometric test just so i can brag about it and so everyone will think i'm a genius. fucking disgusting.

realizing that doesn't make me not want to get a high grade.

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i'm also annoyed at myself for caring when people take me off their favorite diaries list. cause this diary is almost entirely for me, and i hardly try to make it more user-friendly, and my goal is not to get as many readers as possible.

and yet i get slighly insulted, cause that means people thought i was once interesting and don't anymore.

in real life the last thing i need/want is acceptence and attention, cause i despise those things with all my heart, so why should this be any different?

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today i woke up after dreaming a sex filled dream , once with dor, and once with one girl i know. it made me bitter. ..................................

and ain't i the grown up. all days i drive my cousin to her piano lesson, then go home and give water to my cat and do the laundry, then i go with my cousin to the supermarket to do shopping, then i go and reserve plain tickets (scroll down..) with my friends, then i get home and make a salad for my cousins, worrying that they're eating all the wrong stuff and they need vitamins, then i make my cousin play with me instead of watching tv cause she's been watching tv all day and that's not good, and then i order my cousin to do the dishes depsite his unwilligness.

and all the meanwhile i think about when i'll be able to go to bed and read my book. god how old&mature.

(but then i make my cousin dance to abba with me again and i feel like a 4 year old. :)

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an EXTREMELY annoying pimple has erupted. all hell break lose. i can't/don't want to deal with that. i thought i extreminated them for good. ARGGGHHH.

i'll get rid of it soon. and if more come back then i=suicide.

...............................................

and on a happy jolly note :

I'M GOING TO EUROPE IN 9 DAYS!!!!!!! HOW FUN!!!!!!! WEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

wanna hear our tour plan? yes? well okay!

we're (me, lior and nir) flying to rome on october the 14'th. 2 or 3 nights in rome, then train to florence and venice, one night each place, then train to the swiss alps, 6 days of having fun and seeing outstanding nature, then train to paris, 4 night in paris, then train to brussels, 4 night in which we sleep at katrijn's place, then train to amsterdam, 2 nights, and then off we go back to israel. WEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha he he he he he he hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi. 9 more days. he ha hi he ha hi. this is too good.


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