VERY important follow up.
2001-10-10 2:06 a.m.

oh god oh god oh god oh god.

who would have dreamed that the last entry would only be background for a more important entry. fuck it.

for the first time i want to write in hebrew, and quote my conversation with dor in hebrew, and think in hebrew. or at least have a human translator nearby.

.................................................

situation:i was watching a movie on tv, while in the other room i was connected to the icq, being invisible. i put dor on my visible list, meaning he can see that i'm connected even when i'm invisible.

i hear the sound of an icq message from the other room:

disturbing behavior (dor) "you're allowed to say hello... but if that's not in your plans.....".

i go to computer : "honey i'm watching a movie, i wasn't near the computer".

disturbing behavior : " well have fun. goodbye. see you in a month & a half. "

fringe boy (me) : "what what what what what what's this?"

disturbing behavior : "what didn't you understand?"

fringe boy : "are you serious now?"

at which point i called him. the phonecall went something like this, in short :

dan : " are you serious ? "

dor : " yeah "

dan : " remind me why are you insulted by me ? "

dor: " i'm annoyed that you canceled with me and adi, but i'm not insulted. i just said that we won't meet before you leave, and wished you a happy trip "

dan : " i don't get it. we said we'll meet tommarow. and even if we don't we'll talk on the phone before i leave........ "

dor : " you never called me to my home in haifa anyway...... "

dan : " but ofcourse we'll talk before i leave "

dor : " well okay if you say so ".

silence.

my throat getting stiff, i'm utterly insulted. that fuck. how could he even think that we won't talk, and just blow me off like that.

dor : " what's the matter? "

dan : " nothing "

dor : "did something else happen?"

dan : " no "

dor : " dan, what happened? "

dan : " nothing else happened "

dor : " okay. well i talked to my friend oren today and he talked to adi (the girl from last night) and it seems she's got a thing for you "

dan (very intrigued, but throat still messed up) : " i figured that much. that's why i was so annoyed to cancel with you today.... but i had to for ehud who was insulted by me yesterday "

dor : " i don't blame him "

dan : "god people are so fucked up. everything is so fucking complicated "

dor : " not really "

dan : "oh believe me, it is "

some more blabbing, which ended in a bye , which left tears running out of my eyes. i just don't get this dor.

..................................................

disturbing behavior : " i can give you adi's number if you want. she's online now. "

fringe boy : " give me her number, but i'm not in the mood for talking to her now "

after 5 minutes

fringe boy : " you know that feeling that you feel an urge to say something, but you know you'd regret anything&everything you say ? "

disturbing behavior : " darnit dan, i'm sorry i'm a prick. i have to stop emotionally draining you like this. you have to stop getting excited by my shit. i say things out of anger without even thinking about them. that's my flaw, and i'm not sure i could have handled that if i were you. this show hows good of a friend you are when you still talk to me at all after all i'm putting you through. please let's forget all that happened these last couple of days, i don't want to go back to haifa knowing that things are shitty between us. "

disturbing behavior : "i know that feeling. but usually i say things right away and then regret them afterwards "

fringe boy : " at least i know what not to say. yes yes yes i'm very harsh with myself "

disturbing behavior : " but sometimes the best thing is to put your cards on the table"

fringe boy : " i was going to say that i think that you and me just see everything totally differently...... but your message showed me that's not quite correct......... and if there's an understanding between us then it very well might be unneccesary to say things explicitly"

fringe boy : "and get complicated with words. anyway my ability to express myself isn't one of my strong sides......... in short dor, we're okay. "

disturbing behavior : " i don't agree with you. i think that putting your cards on the table is best, so things are 100 percent clear for both sides "

fringe boy ( resisting irresistible urge to say ' i love you dor. i'm IN love with you ') " i know myself. i'm just trying to take care of myself, to keep myself from harm&pain....... anyway dor if you call me kuki i'll go back to watching my movie with a smile".

disturbing behaviour : " :-) for you kuki, everything. go back to your movie and have fun. and we'll talk tommarow. and i'm happy things worked out for you. bye kuki. "

fringe boy : "great. talk later."

.................................................

god was it all intense. god. i'm not mentally cut out for this shit. and it's good i didn't tell him that i'm in love with him. cause what good would that do. he knows. it would have made me be&feel weak, and it would have sabotaged our friendship, which will probably be a better one once i find someone else romantically.

self discipline is important. proud.

..................................................

now what was i saying about that adi girl? i was saying she was really cute, right? well she is. who is she ? she's 17, she's in 12'th grade, but she looks younger. she has an interesting face, she's very short, and she has, yes yes, good taste in music. and a bit of a childish demeanor. and she is hiding herself behind it. what you see is not what you get.

and she saw trainspotting 56 times, and she knows each and every word by heart. ya.

and i'm not sure what were dor's exact words, but the mere fact that she said something about me to her friend who doesn't even know me, says a lot.

god.

*unknown situation alert, unknown situation alert, systems encountering some new kind of virus, unknown situation alert*

i don't know. a normal guy would have asked her out. wow, date. that'd be new.

i need to sleep on it. we'll see.

.................................................

god. was i crying an hour ago?

i wonder now what would have been his reaction to the "i'm in love with you" bit. nothing surprising, but hey what does a guy say to that.

he probably would have said something like "dan i'm not gay. you know that. and you know you're one of the people i admire and like the most, right?"

something like that probably. i don't need that. and NO there's no other way he could have reacted, living-in-a-dream boy (me). seperate fantasy and life.

i do still want him. i'm a rational human being though.

.................................................

well then this is goodbye. that was probably a long entry........ love you all talk to you soon. by the way i didn't go back to watching the movie.... i just paced back and forth through the apartment for an hour or so....