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bitter triumph is much better than nothing
2001-10-12 1:12 a.m.

no that's too easy. THAT'S TOO FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING EASY! HA I SPIT IN YOUR FACE! TAKE THAT!

...................................................................

one conclusion i CANNOT, but simply CAN NOT (will not) let myself make, is that all this shit, all this bad mental state and regression stuff are as a result of my parents being around, and that there's nothing i can do about it. that i'll only get better once i'm out of this home. got that?

cause that means a lot of suffering. and i can't have that. my parents are here to stay. my parents are here to stay. my parents are here to stay. got that?

so i have to be strong and i have to overcome yet another challenge which i have unwillingly and distastefully set for myself. got that?

.....................................................................

dream: i was walking around the city late at night, when i get to this place where i'm told "no entrance here. please come back the way you came from."

so i keep on wandering, and i get to this park, and ofcourse what do i see there? no other than 20 men and boys, some commiting the act of love making, some just laying there nude on the grass chatting playing with thier dicks being generally gay.

so i get naked with the intention of joining the merry making, and i get closer, and at that exact point my dick involuntarily orgasms, which leaves me to waking up in the morning with sticky boxers.

*rolls eys innocently......* what you looking at me for? it's not my fault!!!

:)

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a few days ago my guitar teacher taught me the chords to this song, and ever since it's been soundtracking my thoughts, somewhere in the back of my head.

"Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin

Dance me through the panic 'til I'm gathered safely in

Lift me like an olive branch and be my homeward dove

Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the end of love

Oh let me see your beauty when the witnesses are gone

Let me feel you moving like they do in Babylon

Show me slowly what I only know the limits of

Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the wedding now, dance me on and on

Dance me very tenderly and dance me very long

We're both of us beneath our love, we're both of us above

Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the children who are asking to be born

Dance me through the curtains that our kisses have outworn

Raise a tent of shelter now, though every thread is torn

Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin

Dance me through the panic till I'm gathered safely in

Touch me with your naked hand or touch me with your glove

Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the end of love"

-leonard cohen.

(--i wish people would download the songs that i quote so they'd feel what i feel--)

.....................................................

if you ask me nice enough i'll sing it to you. and if you'll be my eternal and perfect lover i might even agree to dance with you.

.....................................................

behind this entry are layers and layers of bitter triumph feelings. cause i beat him. don't ask.


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