i do get what i deserve.
2001-10-13 2:14 a.m.

and the thing is i'm too smart to rationalize the wrong thing into the right one, cause i know it's wrong, yet i'm too stupid to do the right thing. for now (1:14 a.m.). (optimistic belief is crucial...)

when internal wars are your world then wrongs and rights are just things that makes you (un)/happy. cause that's what wars are all about. and fuck global moral values right now.

and sometimes i despise the mere creation of the devil = alexander graham bell. but it's not his fault.

and sometimes i don't want to hear words of encouragement. so shutup.

and sometimes i realize that i'm flying to europe on sunday morning, like late tommarow night.

and sometimes i wonder what will it be like to meet katrijn once again. cause she's in the tour plan. and she was utterly beautiful. and i'm going back to the dream which was her. and she says she misses me on the icq.

and lately i have ALOT of sex dreams. gay.

and i know that fearing the phone much more than bioligical warfare which might eat me inside out is stupid, but that's the way things are. (no response wanted, you can't tell me anything i don't know, i'm not stupid)

and i'm a terrible nervous wreck in a good way, and i sure as hell have nothing to complain about, and i imagined today how it would be like to be on a mountain top in swisserland above the clouds in snow, and i imagined today how it would be to walk through the streets of night paris/rome/amsterdam with my friends, how we will probably get kicked out of the louvre and other such museums, how we will probably laugh our childish hearts out once we see katrijn's grandmother when we see her at katrijn's house, cause she has parkinson, and it'll be ultimately embarassing and we will look back at it in a year and laugh our hearts out again, and sometimes i really don't have anything to complain about, and sometimes i'm eager.

and i don't want to feel any regret in the future. thank you.

................................

*armor in place, helmet on, sword, bow and arrows, saddled horse*

ready,... set,............ GO!

...............................

oh darnit. yeah well i get what i deserve.

and pardon for not being very clear.