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mildly (?) schizophrenic me # 1 : so, dan, what do you want? me # 2 : i honestly don't know anymore me # 1 : SO HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO GET WHAT YOU WANT IF YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS?!??!??!?!?!?!?! me # 2 : don't you FUCKING dare to yell at me again, and i don't want to talk to you anymore. .................................................. i don't really know what i want. i know what i dream about. i fantasize about boys. i fantasize about kissing boys lips, of how so out-of-ordinary that would be, of how it would fucking make me feel great. i fantasize about feeling that boy's body against mine, and looking into his eyes. i fantasize of having his muscly arms hold me. i fantasize of rubbing my hand against his thigh. but. it's not just any boy. and most men that i see don't fit that category. and even if, i don't know how to find him. i met 2 guys after talking to them on the internet, and both of them didn't work out, and both of them left me with this feeling of "the last thing i want to do is have this guy's cock inside my throat. yuch. what was i thinking". and the guy from yesterday had a very good body i guess. and i don't know where else i can look. and maybe the dream is just a dream, and i should stick to realities. and what the hell does that mean anyway. i don't really know what i want. i'll end up being straight at this rate. oh joy. (haha oh do i know how to make myself laugh) .................................................. and i hear a song, and it isn't even a sad song or a love song, just a song with plain chords, and from no where, absolutely nowhere, feelings creep over. or maybe just physical reactions which i interpet dumbly as feelings. but no. and i feel nostalgia. to what? to nothing cause i have nothing to be nostalgic to in my past. and i feel depressed and i feel lonely. but no that's just the chords talking i was okay with life a minutes ago. and 4 hours pass by and here i am and the music's sideffects have comletely worn off. oh how i love music. oh how i love music. oh how i love music. oh how i love music. oh how i utterly love music. ................................................. downloaded a music-creating program and i'm gonna learn how to use it, no matter how long it takes, and i'm at least gonna give it my best shot at becoming a musician some how. cause that was always my life dream but i always thought i'm missing something which would inable me to really create my own music, my own music which is art which is feelings. i AM highly musically talented, just ask my piano teacher, she'd talk about me for hours. and i am creative. and i am intelligent enough. but the fact that i haven't ever really created something, that my instinct is not to mold music into my own, tells you something. or maybe, and hold you fingers, it doesn't. maybe it's up to me. .................................................. me # 1 : at least learn from the past and stop procrastinating. me # 2 : okay you are right. now shut the fuck up. |