waiting for the next mood swing.
2001-11-24 4:39 a.m.

first: the reason my updates are sporadic and few is because of my new job. since i used to update everyday before sleep, but now when i go to sleep at 7:00 a.m. it's .... a bit of a problem. but i hate not updating, so i'll find another time.

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and in other news. (disclaimer: this entry is not anything which will be well written or at all artistic and probably boring. deal with it. or skip to next entry)

well. well. moody as hell. cause i shift at the speed of light between happiness and having fun to total loss of .... light. and sometimes i wish my view of my life would just stay the same. cause each time the same life wears a different color. right now it's.... brown. which isn't too bad i must say. but

things tend to be sarcastically amusing. like the fact i'm probably going on a date(?) with a girl which i'm starting to really like, eventhough the opportunity of getting jiggy with the great-music-taste guy from the icq is MUCH more appealing to me. but fate had it that he's going to the army on monday. so maybe in the next lifetime. (maybe we'll be butterflies).

i'm telling in almost obvious clues to almost everyone about my .... interest in guys. to almost everyone except my childhood friends. and that's a bit funny. and what's even more funny is how irrelavent it all is until i find some manly lips to have for mine. but i don't know.

another funny thing is me calling that girl with whom i chatted with on the icq monthes ago. puna. after i was too chicken then. and that's funny to me. she's nice. (yeah the phone almost NEVER bites evidentally).

dor told me he made out today with this girl who is interested in him for a while. that used to really hurt me in the past. now it doesn't. that's good. and the fact that he called me to tell me about it is soooooooo cute.

i'm not giving myself an easy time lately. not at all.

today while going to a pub i caught myself as usual thinking and thinking and pondering and wondering and thinking and battling about everything. instead of talking and having fun. and writing diary entries in my head which won't be written. and thinking. i used to REALLY want to turn the switch off, to pull the plug on my brain. but self acceptance is crucial.

my ongoing effort of swimming (fun) and other sports makes me look at my naked body in the mirror and go "yum".

i was gonna quit the job after yesterday. cause this job means i wake up everyday at 15:00. and i thought i didn't need sunlight, but evidentally even i the night bird need more than an hour of it. cause waking up when the sky is already a dark gray is depressing. and other stuff made the job seem very not appealing all of a sudden. but no i'm staying. and i'll make some dough. and i'll go to sleep most days before work so i can wake up everyday at about 12:00.

being a paperboy isn't such a bad job. it's not an easy one either. (going up everyday something of about 100 floors......)

i wish for other things to happen. i wish my life to have the shiny color they had just a week ago. cause even the things i want seem brown now. i need something.

maybe i'll just wait patiently for the next mood swing.