it's your choice (or is it?)
2001-12-12 12:35 a.m.

soooooooooooooooo i had a date yesterday. and if you count out the whole gatsby affair, i can safely say that that really was my first date ever. but hell fuck labels.

.................................................

was at her place at 9:30. picked her up and drove around a bit. and then we went for coffee. and after a while we went to some park i like with nice view. and then it was 2:20 a.m. and here i am dropping her at her place. and bye bye good night we should do this again. seinfeld never seemed more relevant :)

and those were the dry facts. but we all know that juicy=rating. so.

so she surprised me for the best. cause she looks good. she's very short but hey i'm no shaquille oneal either. and as opposed to what i remembered she has a very nice and lush rack. and her face. it's very weird. very weird. but has a certain special touch to it. she looks good.

and it was nice talking to her. she's nice. and funny. most of the times.

i dropped her off. she was in the car saying goodbye. optimal kiss situation. she was waiting for it. she was waiting for my cue. cause in this world the males are supposed to be the dominant one and i got screwed with this thing between my thighs which means that i am supposed to be the dominant one. go figure.

no kiss.

why you may ask. why why why why. well i can give you a few explanations. you pick the one which seems the most reasonable to you.

1)(i think this might be the easy way out). i think we work on different levels. cause she is good looking. and she is cute. and she is nice. but. i don't think she can get me. you know grasp my personality totally and fully. and i don't think i totally get her. and i'm not sure if it's the typical glove-to-hand situation. and when it passed my mind if i should kiss her or not, there was this certain feeling of why would i want to get into this now. cause that would just leave me committed to her. and i don't like breaking young girls' hearts. i've never tried it but i doubt i want to.

2) and. maybe. maybe. i'm just plain stupid. because because because. maybe. i'm just afraid of the change of being happy. maybe i'm just being too picky. maybe i'm just too fucked up. and maybe i like making things a lot more complicated then they are. you know subconciously and stuff. you know psychology and stuff. but i haven't taken any course in psycology. so beats me.

3) and option number three. option number three. can you guess it yourself? can you can you can you? option number three says that the reason i didn't kiss her, the reason option number 1 and 2 might be true and might be false, but maybe, MAYBE, irrelevant, is maybe, because of the simple fact that i didn't really feel like kissing her. and i didn't have this urge to do that. i didn't have this urge to make out with her in my car. nothing of the sort. and do you know what this might maybe possibly mean? do you do you do you? DO I HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT TO YOU?!?!?!?!?!?!? DO I DO I DO I ?!!??!? G-A-Y.

....................................................

so there you have it. please notify me which one is your choice.

i'm scared. and i want a bigger penis too.

but more than that i'm a bit scared. and it's all very confusing.

and more than anything i want to be in your arms, i want to lie on your female stomach and i want you pat my hair and i want you to tell me it's okay. and if you're lesbian it might be better cause then the dream would come true.