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did you say something?
2002-01-28 2:28 a.m.

and if you ask me now.

"dan, how do you feel about life?"

i would say

"frankly? it's become oh so very frustrating again and i feel a bit as if i'm walking in circles and not going any where, and if you're not going anywhere the chance of getting to your wishful destination is very small. i'm not getting very much satisfaction lately."

and you would say

"why not, dan?"

and i would say

"well, the answer of very complex. one of the main things is the whole gay stuff. because lately, you probably know, i've decided that i like boyz boyz boyz boyz. and i feel as if that is what i want. but yet. i'm tired of not even kissing a guy. i want a boy friend. so much. not necessarily cause i'm lonely. cause i'm not really. i'm not the type which NEEDS someone. but i want to finish the whole dilemma thingie, to be sure that this isn't just an halluncination i've created in my mind, and to feel some boy's tongue inside my throat. (among other things). and i want someone to want me, to crave me, i want to feel like yes i am good enough. and maybe i'm just not ready. and that's frustrating if it's true you must agree, don't you agree? but now i'm blabbing. what most frustrates me i can surely say is my social self lately cause i'm annoying myself and i remind myself other times which i don't want to be reminded of. i know i'm a whole different person now. but still some other dan, an evil dan, sometimes takes over. and that dan does NOT make me happy even one bit."

and you would say

"i see"

and i would say

"actually forget about all i said. i'm just frustrated cause i'm frustrated and i don't owe anyone any explanations. so fuck you. but thank you for a pleasent conversation i already feel better".

i feel better. a tiny bit.


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