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*falls to knees and begs*
2002-02-01 4:15 a.m.

always when i played the piano, my teacher used to tell me how i never exaggerate.

i always put feelings in what i played. but they were almost always half distant, as if coming from afar, as if i were watching from above and intelligently deciding how i'll feel and how i'll make it sound.

now that i think of it, that's (almost) always how i feel in life. even in my biggest depressions, even when nothing makes sense, even when i'm totally happy, it's (almost) always as if it is all designed by my mind, in a big master plan to make me feel how i feel in every certain moment, in the big master plan which is my life. (or the rout to happiness?)

it's not always like that though. i think.

it seems to me right now that the last 4 paragraphes represent me better than anything: intelligent, confused, emotional, talented, frustrated by not finding the words to speak my mind, incoherent, self indulgent....................

anyway anyway anyway eventhough it's probably less interesting that's not what i was getting at. i was TRYING to say before i interrupted myself that my piano teacher always said how she didn't have to tell me how i shouldn't exaggerate. cause feelings are good. very good. but everything in the right dosage. and then she would bring silly metaphors by saying that it's like salt. you can't say exactly how much salt you should put, but too much is never good.

*shut up dan and get to your point*

so the movie requiem for a dream. was like that in my opinion. much too much salt.

................................................

it's no coincidence i'm writing many entires this past couple of days. (days?).

cause once this used to be the only place i felt like myself. and i felt frustrated with my life beyond recognition and the only place i acted like i wanted to was here. i used to wake up and live for the religous daily routine of this diary. look in my unintelligent first entries for christs sake.

i've changed immensely these last 6 month, everything in my life changed almost upside down, things that i never even imagine would happen happened. nothing too exciting to the normal eye, but sure as hell exciting to that little scared boy which is probably still me.

not only did my life changed as in no more school, not only did in change as in i like boys, not only did i change as in i have totally new friends, it also changed as in i actually think differently.

i was actually satisfied for sometime. i remember only vaguely but i'm sure i was.

and i needed this diary less, cause i demolished my inability to speak to people in real life, and now i had real people to talk about what's on my mind.

now i still have them. thank god. for the change i created in myself. it's a stupid thing to say, but THANK YOU DIARY. again rightous soul me i don't take the praise and step aside.

as i was saying. i needed this diary less, because despite the fact that i don't remember a time when there weren't any problems, i was somewhat satisfied with everything.

now i'm not.

and that's why i'm here making the longest entry in a long long while. because the only pure thing i can get out of my mouth/fingers right now is the cry of I'M TIRED OF IT ALL. I'M SO FRUSTRATED. WITH MYSELF. I FEEL SO IMPOTENT. I HAD MEANING ONCE. WHERE IS THE MUSIC? SO WHAT IF IT WAS ONLY 5 DAYS AGO I CAN STILL CALL IN ONCE IF IT FEELS LIKE IT. DAMNIT!$%^#.

USING CAPITAL LETTERS LOSES IT'S AFFECT AFTER A WHILE. CAPITAL IS A RELATIVE TERM. DAMNIT I WANT MAGIC.

and i'm saying stuff like that cause i'm looking for something pure. cause pity is pure. and everywhere else i look i see colors, but all blurred. i want something real. and just like using capital letters loses it's magic after a while, so does dancing naked in the living room.

please read this entry and tell me it's the most profound intelligent thing you've ever read. PLEASE? make it feel like tonight provided something else than popcorn.

.................................................

if it was a fact that reality is a gray place with no hope. a place filled with never ending loneliness and feelings and thoughts and sentences that are cut in the middle only to leave you like the slug that you are begging to finish it so you'll feel satisfied.

would you choose to see reality as it is? or stay in your dreams and castles in the sky?

.................................................

i don't think i meant alot of things i said in this entry. and if only to make you feel better then no i'm not as morbid as it seems.

.................................................

right now the morning paper arrived and it hit the door and it made a big bang and my heart skipped a beat.


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