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too much TV for you kiddo i don't watch a lot of TV. well everything's relative but i would say i watch one hour or two of TV a day. tops. i just watched 2 hours of the sopranoes. and i'm aware of a strange feeling, as if the mood of the series invaded my life. as if i'm thinking in the same way the series works. as if i'm just another character. the affect is that i'm suddenly much more dramatic towards little stuff, and they are weighing on my mind when they shouldn't. but still they exist those tiny little things: it annoys me how i was at nir's and he was with his uniform and he took off his shirt for a couple of minutes and i couldn't help but do something similar to gawk. it made me sick to the bone. a real nausia. i shouldn't be looking at my dear friend best friend for oh so long in that kinda of way. i shouldn't undress him in my mind!! i shouldn't!! it's sickening......... dor is upset with me. and i know he shouldn't be. but yet. tommarow shani his very good friend and my pal is enlisting. and i called her and i told her i would come to see her get enlisted/kidnapped by the army, and at first she said that she'd be happy if i came, but after a while she called and said that she thinks that maybe i shouldn't come. cause anyway her best friends (dor, shimon, orit) won't be able to come, and it'd be only me and her parents, so it's silly for me to wake up so early. and i said well i'd have been glad to come but have it your way. call me from the army and good luck. but then dor called me and told me that i should know better than that she did want me to come and that it's a real bummer not having any of your friends come to your enlistment........ most obviously trying to throw some guilt feelings at me for not going himself..... eventhough she didn't expect him to come cause he's in haifa during the week..... anyway he just is being fucking irrational like he is sometimes. and i let it get to me. i am right you know. i wish he was more rational. i told shani to ask her friend shimon (the guy that i met a month ago) what he thinks about me. and she said ' you don't mean in THAT way do you? ' and i said 'well it depends on his answer'. why did i need to do that? he is clearly not interested in me (romantically at least) so why do i need her to ask and make things stupidly complicated. ha! ................................................ when they talk about the birds and the bees do they also talk about gay birds and bees? ................................................ i don't think there was a night in the last month that my dreams didn't include some kind of male-male interaction or just thoughts about penises or penis sizes or guilt feelings about my penis or something gay related. the last two nights i dreamt that my parents knew that i was gay, and my father told me i'm not a man and my mom told me how much it doesn't matter how much they just hope that i can be happy, and both times i just squeezed my head and said to myself i have to get out of here i'm choking and then this night i also started throwing chairs around and breaking stuff. do you need a shrink to figure these dreams out? ha! they could teach my dreams in psyhcology school as "simple" cases. by the way i'm sure my dad would also say it doesn't matter and nothing like the reaction portrayed in my dream. just for the record. i do have perfect parents regarding this issue i don't have any complaints. that doesn't mean i won't feel strangled. |