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reminiscing. when i was a boy of about 10 years, i used to try to fall asleep for hours. i never could fall asleep. and sometimes bad thoughts came to me. bad bad bad thoughts that would terrify me. i had a recurring mind vision of entering my parents bedroom and finding that i have been mislead all my life and that they are really giant human sized cockroaches. and by cockroaches i mean those big big things which scare me shit with their brown wings and tentacles and god knows what. i knew it wasn't very likely that that would happen. but i had no proof it won't happen once i entered my parents bedroom. and i could not stop thinking about it. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - i used to be sure that my parents built camera's in the shower as to watch me naked having my shower. i used to check with paranoia the ceilings. i didn't find any but still i was freaked out. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - i used to hear my mother moan during sex with my father from their room. it was the worst. i knew when they were doing it cause they had darkness in their room and they both went to bed at the same time. and i waited with terror until i heard the first moan. each moan was like a stab to the heart. it gave me shivers. i COULDN'T stand it. i used to think of techinics of reducing the contact of my ears with the air by pressing the pillow against my skull. as hard as i can. and i used to wait with pain until my parents were done, until my father got of the room usually naked figuring i was asleep, and then going to the bathroom. only then could i fall asleep. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - my father drank wine today and there's wine left in a glass and i have a good mind to finish the wine and maybe even have me some refill. i sure deserve it since these days are a busy nervous wreck. |