filling in spare time
2002-03-05 12:43 a.m.

i feel confused

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i'm back and all is suddenly taking a different light

suddenly it seems everything is a waste of time, just waiting for the 7'th of april to come.

wow. the army.

just a few days ago ofer had 6 weeks until he had to join to the army. ofer joined the army today. time never seemed to be a more ridiculous term.

i have a month. and 2 days. mphhhhhh.

come today and take me if you have the guts

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london?

i have a poor memory. i probably memorized in my life some tens of thousands of piano notes. thousands of facts i had gently and with ease put into brain drawers in order to succeed in highschool tests.

but i can't seem to remember exactly what i did.

i can't even seem to remember if i had fun.

first of all i'm not sorry for a single thing. not anything about the trip. not even one bit about flying with dor. he implied yesterday that if i had knew how he would have acted i probably wouldn't have gone with him. well that's crap.

me and dor.

such complex stuff.

i wonder if he is aware how perverted our relationship is.

from the fact that i love him and he loves me and mutual appreaction to the fact that on somewhat a subconcious level he is still very much bothered that i'm gay to the fact that a bit like my relationship with nir i sometimes irritate him so much he doesn't understand why he suddenly hates me to the very imporant fact that i never did and still don't love him the way a friend should love a friend.

i can't help it. i can't help it. i can't help it. sometimes until the point of mental pain i desire him. his body. his "imperfect" in more than one way body. with his broad full of moles back. and fatsy body. and chunky legs. and his long hair. and his beautiful eyes. and strong arms.

but it's more than that. it's something deeper. i sometimes feel like it is just meant to be that i should kiss him right there. it's not his BODY. it's something else.

dor. not ever will i act on those impulses. not ever will i have an illusion that they are more than just an insensible mind&body reactions. i haven't even one fucking inch of hope that we will ever be more than friends. you're straight. and you would hate me anyway if you spent this much time with me on a regular basis.

no reason to freak out.

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what explained above is probably as much a reason to problems in our relationship as the fact that you get so frustrated with me for no apparent reason besides me acting my old cheerful self.

i'm sorry but that's who i am.

i realise that i might be hard sometimes. i realise that i demand alot of love from you. i realise i'm not very normal sometimes. i realise i get insulted much too much too quickly with you.

i forgive you for everything, i forgive you for hating me sometimes, it's okay, just as long as you realise that you love me nonetheless (if you do) and at least TRY to fight those feelings.

but my point being that yeah we're BOTH to blame.

let's just be friends. (we are stronger now aren't we?)

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lots of the time i had lots of fun with dor.

there's no one in the whole wide world i feel more comfortable around.

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more than a vacation in london it was a fascinating tour through our minds.

and that's where me and london stop talking about each other.

i finished reading the bell jar. maybe not a masterpiece of art but more of an incredibly interesting peek into a mad girl's eyes. could i ever have such a bell jar hanging over my head? do i have it in me as well?

i don't think so.

i'm insane in a much more healthy kind. a kind which forces me sometimes to see everything distorted , the kind which makes me think too much , the kind which makes me sink into depression and obsessions but also a kind which gives me the freedom to do wonderful out of the ordinary things in my life (present and more importantly future).

i read the editorial note after reading the book which said how she killed herself 10 years later.

that shocked me and scared the hell out of me.

christ.

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this is my new room poster (replacing pulp fiction's uma thurman)