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filling in voids a long long long time ago, somewhere in the beginning of my diary, i wasn't a very happy person. and i thought, if only i could replace all this self destructiveness inside my head into useful things, into happy things, it would be swell. if only i could channel my energy into something else. well hooray me i'm a happier person now. (i could be much happier though...) and these days the void self destructiveness left when it went away is filled by my being gay. about who i want and what i want and sex and penises and telling people and the gay community and shimon and nir ben lul and online chats and dreams about naked men and kissing boys and being aroused and being disgusted and thinking about how i'll manage as a gay soldier and maybe i'm not gay but no no i most certainly am and should i tell him should i tell her bla bla bla bla bla bla bla well it sure is better than self destructiveness. but it's tedious and is getting a bit old. oh well. you have to fill the void some way or another, right? |