so what's it gonna be, dan?
2002-04-01 12:00 a.m.

oh life.

well just talking to this 24 year old gay guy on the icq. that's just about it. i was going to delete the last entry but i decided that i'll let it live. despite all it's worthlessness. or maybe as some wise man probably said it's the worthless things that count in life. maybe he was wise and maybe he wasn't.

i talked to him and he wasn't anything special but he was cute in his picture and i might have well used him to have my first sexual thingy with.

but the conversation was dying off and i always wondered, what if i never replied after that meaningliess ":)" smily that the other side makes? what if i left all the burden of making conversation on the other side? why should i be the sucker doing all the work?

well i said to myself that i just won't say anything and see what he'd say. for the first minute or two i had the impulse to say something just to break the silence, but then i reminded myself how he should think of things to say too, if he's interested. and i waited.

then i had my usual silence symtomps of getting all red in the face and getting into more-than-mild anxiety state. despite the fact i don't give a shit about this person. that's just the way i am.

then a slight underarm sweat. then not caring anymore.

and 20 minutes have passed and nothing so i guess that's one more person i'll never talk to again in my life.

such excitement don't you think? (cynicism alert).

.................................................

turkey was nice all in all.

istanbul is an interesting city. a strange city. a mixture of paris prague and new delhi maybe. so it's an interesting city. because it's european yet it has mosques and arabian music in the street and middle eastern looking people.

but it lacks the eurpeaness of paris. paris makes sense. or the beauty of prague. prague makes sense. and new delhi.... well haven't been there.

so it's a couple of pretty amazing buildings and a couple of nice places and a nice little sea, all hidden in a humangous, not so clean not so special city.

it would have been nicer in the summer. gray clouds and cold winds always make a city look less beautiful. so let's just blame it on the winter.

................................................

and my big family travelling with me were nice. everyone is nice. but sometimes walking at half a mile per hour because of your grandfather is tiring and boring. and sometimes too much family is annoying.

but my 15 year old cousin is cool and we had fun together. so that's good.

and more than everything my mind was and is weighing on me these days. i want to tell about everything, to talk about everything. but there's just too much, i don't even recall. so much stuff weighing on my mind. but that's life isn't it?

i decided in turkey that i have one last week before the army and i should get laid during it. that meaningless sex will suck but will make me feel better about myself and life. but here i am not talking 31 minutes already to some cute guy just because i'm playing power games with myself, or maybe just being my fucked up self as usual.

so what's it gonna be dan?

i went to my father's room 15 minutes ago because he had the light on and when i opened the door he shifted violentely inside his blanket as if hiding something and what i think is that he was jacking off and that's just plain disgusting. common why think of it if you don't have to?

so i wanna get laid because i feel my hormones going wild and i'm totally sick of myself. i'm sick of checking every guy out. i'm sick of fantasizing about every guy i see. i'm sick of imagining how my lips would feel against his. how his un-smooth cheeks would feel. how it would feel to touch someones ass. how it would feel to be touched by someone. i'm tired of thinking and not doing.

i'm tired of my hormones. i'm tired tired tired tired. i don't like myself this way. i don't like thinking about sex this much. i don't want to be a shallow gay obsessed with sex. and that's how i feel sometimes. and it makes me sick. it makes me dislike myself very much. it makes me dislike this entry too. very much.

so maybe the cure is to get it all out once and for all. literally if you know what i mean.

so what's it gonna be dan?

.................................................

i started dreaming about the army. nightmare of being late at the crucial day.

this means the day is getting closer.

and suddenly i'm scared shit. i never had to deal with such an abrupt change in my life, a change bigger than my mind can comprehend. how will life be in a week? i just don't know and not knowing scares me.

but it's exciting and interesting and i don't have anything left here so i want it to come already come come come come to me now.

6 days is nothing. it's nothing. my stomach is tightening up.

i feel like i'm going up on a rollercoaster, my head into the sky, climbing up slowly for the giant dip. the back of my mind saying "shit i don't want do this anymore". and the other part saying "shit let's get it over with already the wait is killing me".

my mind is full of obsceneties.

one thing i do enjoy very much is how the army not only takes my freedom away, but also every drop of responsibilty for my life. i have no decisions to make whatsoever. my life for the next 3 years will be decided by forces other than me. soothing isn't it?

6. more. days.