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a bullfighter before the fight. it's in the air. this is it. .................................. spent the last 45 minutes cleaning up my room, and while at it i went through all the piles of pages and junk lying around. i went through highschool notebooks, psychometric test guides, work schedules, listings of piano concerts i played in, final highschool grades, summons to army unit-tests, and so on and so on. i threw away most of it. 99 % is useless. i threw away the diploma saying i finished highschool. i threw away everything from highschool except the one page with all my final grades. i threw away the work schedules. i threw away the psychometric stuff. i kept the piano concert pages. i threw away the pre-army stuff. and that is it. the stuff i kept i kept, and they're right along with the stuff i kept from kindergarden in my big closet. the useless stuff is now mixed up with empty bottles or left over pieces of food and all the other stuff which my neighbours throw away to the garbage, right in the big garbage bins in the garbage room of our building. and that's it. i hope you realise what i'm trying to say. that's it. it's pretty obvious. that's it. i knew what i was saying back then that's it. no whinining. no over nostalgia. no ecstasy. no nothing. just weird. that's it. ............................................... went to my friend's house and all my soldier friends took their m16 rifle apart and tried to show me how it works. this does that and this does that and you see this triggers this and don't ever lose this and this does that and pushes this and one thing leads to another and this pushes the bullet which then triggers a chemical action shooting the bullet at god knows what speed. when the bullet hits the body it doesn't go straight ahead it does circles inside the body shredding to pieces everything that comes it's way. a bullet can enter your body in your leg and exit out of your chest. fractions of a second in which the human body is torn apart. and it's a toy. my friends play with it, and know how it works just like it's a complex yet simple toy. and it is a toy. a killing toy but a toy nonetheless. amazing. ................................................. i need to give this entry the feeling i have. i need to somehow show how big this is. i don't really know how. but you know how big it is right diary? you understand. you understand and we have.... just about....... 27 hours and about 40 minutes of life in it's current form. yes the minutes are the one's which are being counted now. the minutes.... what have we come to. christ. anticipating. ready. scared. freaked out. anxious. nausia. satisfied. expectent. clear minded. |