19 hours shifts.
2002-04-19 9:12 p.m.

wow

i still don't know where to begin from.

i'm infront of my computer in my room and i have a rifle on my desk pointing at my stomach and the rifle is mine

was that a good start? how do i make you see? how do i make you see what i've been through? what can i say that will make you/my diary/myself understand comprehend this last two weeks?

do you wish to understand? well you can't possibily. even. begin. to. no matter what i say.

i have been brain-washed to the highest degree. all in all there's nothing sane about anything anymore. there's nothing sane about it all. the last two weeks haven't been sane and they have no connection to my previous life.

never in my life have i gone through something like this and never will i forget it. but it's all a blur and the days melt one into another and my first day in the army was only 12 days ago yet...... yet...... i was someone else back then and it feels as though it was 3 and a half eternities ago.

have you ever had a job in which you worked everyday 19 hours shifts? i imagine you haven't. try to imagine. but it's much worse. because the work isn't the major thing. nor is the lack of sleep. it's 19 hours of standing and yelling and working and running and then standing and standing and then yelling and working and organizing and when you have 15 minutes to yourself you feel as though you don't deserve it. because you have become a slave.

and they yell and yell and yell and yell and yell and yell at you.

don't get me wrong. by the mood of things you could come to the conclusion i suffered the last two weeks. well you're not entirely wrong but i also enjoyed them very much at times. but when you think about it and write about the things i have been through only when you look from aside for a second do you understand what hell it was.

to be a slave.

but that's okay. there are some very fabulous things in hell. there really are.

i don't think i'm explaining myself too good i'll contintue later