pointless army crap.
2002-04-20 12:22 a.m.

i'm becoming sane again. i'm breaking free from the mode of thought which haunted me the last 2 weeks, in which i keep thinking " am i okay?, what do i need to do so i won't be yelled at?, am i doing something wrong?, how much time to i have left?, is my shirt inside my belt?, did i forget something?, god i'm tired and my back hurts!, what do i have to do now?", and many many many many more questions which the mind asks oneself when you are a scared little slave/rat, at the mercy of your commanders.

i wonder if the change inside me is temporary, or have i changed forever? i think i just need just a few more days in which i put the army traumas in drawers in the back of my head and then i'll be able to be my normal self.

but no no no i have to go back soon in one day back to the army. insanity all over again.

but this army, especially this first month and a have of "tironot" ( the training part in which you go through hell ) - it will do me only good. before the army i was afraid ever so afraid that i won't fit in. and you know what? i don't fit it. i really don't. i didn't fit in highschool and i don't fit in in the army. i am different. but one thing i've learnt, one thing i knew already before : everybody is different. i really am nothing special in that sense. so i'm more distant so i'm more neurotic more myself than everyone else. but all the people there have problems. some are more antisocial than me. alot are. some hardly open their mouthes. and every human being there is strange in some way. some are easy going some aren't. some are beautiful some aren't. thus is the human race and i'm a part of it.

it's not society versus me. it never was. i'm not a misfit like i used to think. i'm in this shit together with everyone. and i feel normal, despite the fact that i don't know how to talk to people and i talk to myself all the time and i think differently and i do things differently than most people. i am normal.

but no that's not what i wanted to say. they shouldn't let people like me have diaries. i have trouble maintaining my trail of thought ( no no the phrase is not trail of thought is it? ) and i don't put sentences together like i want to and i'm utterly dissatisfied with this entry and the ones that came before today.

but i am doomed to dissatifaction when i try to describe the last two weeks without writing a 300 page book. i really am at my best with 1-10 line entries. i hate with all my guts when i have to write projects and when i have to think what i want to write and when, i lack the ability to organise it all in my brain before i write it. i won't be a writer no matter how hard i try.

i should tell you about roni. next entry though.