roni
2002-04-21 1:40 a.m.

i'll tell you about roni.

roni is a guy. he's a giant guy. he is almost 2 meters tall. he weighes almost twice as much as me.(really!). he has a giant broad fatsy body with giant feet giant hands giant ass. he is big.

he has a beautiful face. not beautiful model beautiful but beautiful white with a red hue on his cheeks.

i met him before we took the bus to our training camp in which i spent the last two weeks.

we talked small talk like everyone and i learnt that he is also from my city givataim and that he plays the trombone and that he went to art school to play jazz there.

from the first second i looked into his eyes, from the first second he opened his mouth, i knew he was gay. or i thought i did. and i liked him.

he was cynical. i like cynical bitches. and i watched him and everytime he talked to someone he would smile all the time. and i didn't talk to him much but i watched and i watched and i fucking liked him.

and we took the bus to our training camp and i prayed that he would be with me in my tent, and surprise surprise he was, against all chances.

and i kept watching him but hardly talking to him, and i started having feelings. i told myself that having some hopeless crush can't do any harm, it'll just make things a bit more interesting. and during the first few days i used to look at all the guys and make lists in my head of the ones i would want to have sex with. and eventhough there is no shortage of real exquisit hunks which demand an overall body licking, i always put him first. because he was my crush. and i felt a supernatural attraction towards him.

and we talked some, and at first i was really uptight around him, but after that we pretty much got along. i felt some connection or at least imagined it. and i flirted with him, suttle enough so the other ones wouldn't know, but enough to try to make him see what i was getting at. i still wasn't 100 percent sure he was gay. just my wishful thinking ? and even if he was i presumed that such a bodily difference between him and me is pretty much an unclimable obstacle.

but things led me to think he was gay. i thought i heard he talk to some guy on the cell phone and end it with darling. he didn't shower for no apparent reason. ( what with all the boys.... ). he didn't have a girlfriend. i kept flirting. and specifically implying my sexual orientations. and i thought we had an understanding between each other. of us 2 being gay.

one night. he had to wake up and guard our base, and he came back at 4 a.m. and i'll tell you what i rememeber : he came into our 10 man tent and i was still asleep. he sat on my foot. i said "hey that's roni i can recognize you only by your weight". he didn't reply. he put my foot on his private parts of his pants. at first i didn't know what to do. then i started massaging that area with my feet. i was freaked out at first, but as i calmed down a bit i got more and more arroused. physical sensations swept over me. i couldn't believe this was happening. and i kept on rubbing him. and he just played with my foot. i wanted him to do more. but remember we were in a tent with 8 sleeping guys........ and it was wierd. it wasn't right. it wasn't the right place or interaction. but it was fun anyways.

after a while he stopped. and he went to bed. and it was weird. and i said 'good night roni' with mischief in my voice and he only said 'good night....... my head is a mess'. i felt something, some vibes from him telling me he was suffering. i was going to say 'it's okay' and pat him on the soldier or give him a kiss on the cheek but then i decided not to. i didn't know what was going on.

i didn't continue sleeping afterwards. i lay in my bed smiling and shocked by the previous events. i thought i had found the way to have a very very fun month with him if you know what i mean. and i thought how nice he was. and he it was incredible. how unbelievable it all was.

and the next day. it was wierd. he didn't really respond in any way. i tried to catch his eye and give him a smile but nothing. it was weird. i thought maybe it was a one time experience. i waited for him to make the next move.

and then the day after that he starting asking me questions and i was like 'what are you getting at' and then he asked if i had a girlfriend and i was like 'what?!??!'. i gave him the most puzzled look ever. how could he ask if i had a girlfriend after we had a (minor) sexual experience together. and i didn't understand. i didn't fucking understand. and i gave him a disbeliefing look. 'no.... i don't have a girlfriend....... that's a weird questions...'.

roni : 'why is that a weird quesition?'

me: 'because i thought we had an understanding between each other'

roni :'what understanding?'

puzzled look by me

roni : 'what, that you are gay?'

me: 'like yeah ....ofcourse......'

roni : ' i didn't know of any understanding between us '

me with puzzled look : 'aren't you gay?'

roni : 'no.... i'm...... straight'

at that point someone entered our tent and i told roni that i wanted to have a talk with him outside. and we went outside and i gave him puzzled looks and asked him what was he doing what was he trying to do. and he said i'm not trying to do nothing. and then i said 'well...... ooookkkkaayyy...'

me : ' so you're..... not.... gay?'

roni : 'no'.

me: 'don't you think you owe me some explanation then?'

roni : 'i don't think so....'

me with disbeliving look on my face, emphasizing each word : ' so do YOU have a girlfriend '

roni : 'no'.

me : 'did you ever have a girlfriend'.

roni : 'no.

me with puzzled look : 'welll..... okay then...... i guess that's all..... okay........ just be discrete about it ....'.

roni : ' yeah ofcourse.... i don't have any problems with gay people... everyone with his preferences....'

me: ' well okay.....'

and i coudln't understand what the hell was going on. what the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK? and it was as if that single 10 minutes conversation took some 20,000 parts of my brain and scrambled them into different places. IT DIDN'T FUCKING MAKE SENSE. WHAT WAS GOING ON? and i coudln't handle. i called my friends and told them everything and they didn't understand it either and i didn't understand and didn't understand. and it drove me crazy. and then from that point on in was an insane man. i couldn't understand not him and thus not myself or life or anything, and being yelled at by stupid commanders during my mental crisis didn't help. i wanted out i wanted to figure things out and i didn't want to be in the army. that night i couldn't sleep. everyone went to bed and i stayed awake and sat there and tried to think and it drove me crazy again and again and again. and i cried some. i don't even know why. i just felt so helpless. what the fuck was happening? i wanted to die.

and i started to even doubt the reality of the experience. even now i have some small tiny doubt in my mind. but i didn't dream it. how do i know i didn't dream it? just like you know every minute of your life what is true and what isn't, what happened in the past and what is happening in the present. if you doubt your most basic perception of reality then you are insane. it just cannot be. and i might be a fucked up human being, i might be totally emotionally unstable, but i am not insane. not even one bit. and never in my life did i feel as though i might me imaginining stuff. as though i am really schizophrenic or something. i'm not. and the mere doubt that maybe i dreamt it all drove me crazy.

but it happened. it did i swear i remember every detail i remember every fucking detail i remember looking at the watch and seeing it was 4 43 a.m. after he went to sleep. i remember remember remember and now more than every i have no doubt in my mind.

and then the next day i decided. i have to clear things out.

he was in the tent again. and again i told him that i have to talk to him about what we talked about the day before.

me : 'you don't think you have to explain some things to me?'

roni a bit abnoxious : 'no'

me : 'well okay. i have 3 possibilities. the first is that you're a schizophrenic pyscopath. the second is that you're lying for some reason. the third is that i simply don't understand something'

roni : ' it's probably you don't understand something '

me : ' okay....... you don't remember anything happening 2 night ago?'

roni : 'no. what do you think happened '.

me : ' you don't? you really don't? '

roni : ' tell me what you think happened at least '

me : ' i'm afraid of your reaction '

roni (annoyed) : ' tell me already don't be afraid '

me : ' i remember you came back during the night and sat on my foot and brought it to your private places ....... and we had some sexual contact and from that i concluded that you were gay '.

roni (furious and freaked) : ' no fucking way. it didn't happen. IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. IT'S NOT THE TYPE OF THING I WOULD DO. I AM NOT GAY. I AM NOT BISEXUAL. I AM STRAIGHT STRAIGHT STRAIGHT. STRAIGHT AS A KNIFE. MAYBE THAT'S THE KIND OF STUFF YOU WOULD DO, BUT I WOULD NEVER DO THINGS LIKE THAT. IF I SAT ON YOUR FOOT I'M SORRY IT WAS THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND YOU WERE PROBABLY A BIT UNCLEAR IN THE HEAD, BUT NOTHING HAPPENED. I HAVE NO IDENTITY ISSUES AND MAYBE THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEMS IS YOU'.

me (starting to understand) : ' well okay then....... i just want you to know that i think you're a nice person and maybe i'm in a position to help you. you can talk to be about anything and i would really like to help you if i can......'

roni : ' I AM NOT GAY AND NOTHING HAPPENED '.

me : 'well okay... anyway have a good day and a good life... and be discrete about it all'.

roni : ' ofcourse. this is between me and you. '

and that cleared it out. it still doesn't make any sense. but it does doesn't it? it's really sad in some ways. and i really believe that he believes nothing happened. he might have blocked it out all together or he might have just treated it as a bad dream, some painful issue he rather not deal with.

it's not easy being gay and some stages are especially hard.

it's still weird. i still don't understand how someone in that position could be so assertive during that night, it's not like i pushed him into doing anything. it was all his intiative. things are weird but at least they make sense in a perverse kind of way. at least i can sleep during the night.

but since then a week has passed and we haven't exchanged a word and he begged someone to move from the bed next to me and he won't look me in the eye. i don't think i ever felt such hatred from a human being towards me. i really don't. he despises me with all his might.

and that's very sad too. and when i look at him i still see a beautiful human being. i really had some silly feelings toward him. it's a shame.

but it's inevitable and that's the way things are.

this life is amazing isn't it. it's fascinating in so many ways. human beings in particular.

............................

my radar is really great don't you think? i was sure he was gay and he doesn't even know it about himself even. that's really strange. it proves a fact that it really is inside us. the gay behaviour. not in all the gays... you couldn't tell i was gay if i didn't want you to. but he........ didn't even act gay but i was sure about him. it's really incredible, and utterly intruiging.

just so you have some range of comparison, all these major events with roni felt like minor incidents when compared with all the other things i went through in this past two weeks. but still they had great significance on myself and i acted differently since they happened. they made me see that there are more important things than acting like the frightened rat in this big army corporation. it's silly the army. but there's nothing i can do about it and it can be really hilarious if you keep some sense of sanity in it.

and that what i'm gonna try to do more than before.

i desperately needed this 2 days at home. i feel me again. i see that the army is insane but it is like a prison that doesn't exist outside of it's jail area. i really should treat it all like a big joke. eventhough when you're there it's not funny at all.

i'll take the good out of it and ignore the bad. ignore the yelling ignore the panic ignore the few jackasses who laugh at me all the time beacuse they think i'm a geek. i'll take only the good i'll be more organised i'll enjoy the nice people there i'll have my own cynical laugh at everyone in my brain and i won't give a fuck.

so i'm going back to the army after my 5 hour sleep tonight. oh joy.

ta ta my little bunnies. i missed you very much and i hope you missed me. hold your fingers.