same old same old. HA!
2002-04-27 3:49 a.m.

wednesday 25'th of april

we spent the night sleeping in a tent somewhere in the sands near our base. our tents were placed right next to the shooting grounds, the small cement buildings from which we practice our rifle skills.

the day before i was told i would have to wake up at 6 a.m. and the i needed to guard the ammunition place between 5-6 p.m. the next day. when you guard a place it means you just have to stand up for an hour with all the amunition on you and supposedly watch if anyone tries to break in.

we went to sleep a short time after midnight.

i was awoken at 5 a.m., by someone telling me i needed to guard at that time. i hurried to my commanders and told them that i wasn't supposed to guard at 5 a.m. but at 5 p.m.

my female commander screamed at me. asked me if what i was saying was that she was lying. i told her that i was sure they told me to guard at 5 pm and not am. she asked me again if i thought she was lying. forced to i said that i didn't think she was lying. if i said she was i would have been punished severely.

so she yelled and she yelled at me and then said that i don't wake up for my guard one more time i will be punished.

i was tired. i slept not much more than 4 hours. i was yelled at for no reason. it wasn't a nice feeling.

finally i guarded at 6 a.m. with some other guy. we talked for an hour, me and the guy named avner. a very nice fellow with a exceptionally good heart which doesn't shut the fuck up. at first he said smart stuff, but as the hour went on more and more bullshit came out of his mouth and i found myself nodding out of boredom. this guy can't except a moment of silence and if he has nothing to say then he will say something stupid.

but that hour was nice and he cheered me up.

then we ate breakfest which included some cans of tuna and bread and digusting cans of tried fruit and meat.

after that the rifle training. it was the third time we were shooting our weapons.

each time 12 people go into the place, after they put some thing in their ears in order to reduce the volume of the shooting. i didn't put the thing correctly so it didn't really help.

12 people go in and each one has his own objective to which he needs to aim, 25 meters away from him.

when you're they're they yell and yell and yell at you, and they should since that's the place in which we shoot real bullets, and it takes only one bullet to kill. so they yell and the training grounds is not a good place to make mistakes or not understand the orders.

the first series of shooting was okay that day. i shot my rifle, and each time i shot my rifle my heart stopped for a second, all the time giant boom sounds reaching my ears from the other rifles. each time i heared that noise i murmured to myself 'stop it stop it stop it'. it feels like someone's hitting your head with a baseball bat.

it was okay but i hated the sounds i hated the pressure i was in and i started to imagine what would happen if instead of shooting at my objective i would turn around and shoot someone else. that someone would die immediately. i would imagine his brain splattered on the wall, a dead body lying on the ground, blood on the cement walls. the rifle is a deadly weapon and it is no harder to use than a water gun.

the second series of shooting didn't go well. i began to despise with all my might being inside that cement place. i couldn't take the sounds of the rifles any more. i didn't understand what was happening to me, i couldn't really breath regularily. but i still shot with no problem at my objective and made most of my shots.

but after my shooting i made a mistake when checking my weapon to see it didn't have any bullets in it. not a very major mistake but i was yelled at by the high ranked commander. i knew i would be punished for that mistake and i begain to accept the fact that i wouldn't come back home for the weekend as a result of my mistake. that i would stay the saturday as a punishment.

that broke me. i couldn't handle the fact i woudln't come home during the weekend. i had to come back home for this weekend. i couldn't stay any longer in this army without some break from it all. i couldn't take it all. the yelling from the commanders, the fact i feel like a social misfit, the fact i don't feel like i know how to talk to people, the fact that i don't sleep more than 4-5 hours a night, the fact that you are a slave to your commanders, the fact that that roni guy hates me and still won't look me in the eye and usually ignores me when i ask him something, the shooting noises pounding on my ears.

i actually could handle it all. but it's very hard on me sometimes. and not coming back for the weekend broke me.

i could hardly breath. i went to my commander with a big lump in my throat trying not to cry and asked him if i could skip the next shooting series. he said i could if i wished to do the month of basic training all over again. i said i didn't.

i went to the next shooting series after an hour. i wanted to get it over with. i told myself to stay calm and take it easy. to no give a fuck about anything like i originally planned.

but i was there. and again the pounding noises of the shooting. and i didn't exactly understand if i was to do the shooting while standing or crouching. and then the ear things got tangled up with my gun. and i tried to put them back frantically with the pounding noises all around and i knew i would get yelled at and then the commander yelled at me and it all came back into my brain and i couldn't take it anymore and i couldn't breath and i didn't want to do it anymore and i started crying and crying and crying and then the commanders voice softened and she asked if i was okay and i said i wasn't and i murmured through my crying that i didn't want to shoot anymore and she told me softly i should try anyway and i shot and made most of my shots because it's easy and she asked if that was so terrible and i said it was.

and then the high ranked commander saw me crying and talked softly to me too and told me to take a 15 minute break. and i went to my tent and all of the other guys saw me crying and i weeped and weeped and weeped for 20 minutes. i didn't even know why. i still don't really. i felt so unrational crying for no real reason. i felt insane. but i cried. and i couldn't stop.

and i enjoyed crying as usual.

and after 20 minutes i went to guard because it was 5 pm and it was my time to guard like they originally ordered me and i went to guard and while i was there i suddenly noticed i was without my glasses. and they weren't in my pocket and i cursed.

and i looked up and said to 'god' : "i'm not even gonna talk to you or ask you to help me find my glasses".

i didn't find them and i coudln't do the next shooting series because i didn't have them and my commander screamed at me for guarding without my glasses because what was i to do if let's say someone would attack me, what was i to do without my glasses........ and the he screamed some more and the rest of the day wasn't really interesting, and i cursed everything.

and that was the end of the day.

the next day someone found my glasses. and i didn't get punished for my mistake at the shooting grounds and here i am for the weekend.

but still the army is the army. and i still feel sometimes like a misfit. and i still feel so many things sometimes and the army is still an insane place which drives me to be a lunatic sometimes. and i told myself to take it easy and i tried i really tried but i didn't succeed and you know what?

i'm just not the type to take it easily. i don't give a fuck about anyone but still i care too much about what people think about me i care too much about how much i am screamed at i feel to much towards people and towards roni and am simply a normal personality but too much of it.

okay i'm started to talk crap. i thought i would describe one day of the army just so you get the hang of it. i'm sure you don't.

.......................................

and now i went with my friends to a pub and while waiting outside my gay radar worked extra time and a heavenly gay boy was there and our eyes met and he checked me out and i checked him out and we exchanged meaningful glances and i should have given my phone number but i didn't. and then we went to another pub and i'll never see him again.

but thank you god for allowing me to jack off now.

close me eyes and lick his body all over.

good night my little bunnies.