4'th week of the army.
2002-05-03 10:07 a.m.

the 4'th week in the army was utterly succesful.

no drama's, no crying, no bad people laughing at me, no hard work, almost no lack of sleep, just another week in the army.

one day one of the guy's in my tent told me that i was a helluva guy. i thought he was being cynical. then he said " no i really mean it ".

i didn't know what to say. i murmured something like "you too...".

some other time one of the guys who used to laugh at me during the first 2 weeks of the army ( they laughed at me for being a so called nerd, but they don't anymore ) said : " you know we don't really mean it. we laugh at you just like we laugh at everybody else. you're okay ".

i was happy.

you know there really are no bad human beings. i think all the people with me in the army offer a good representetive of the human race, offering a wide range of personalities. some people i hated the first minute, just because i didn't like the way they acted or treated me. they seemed bad.

but even those guys don't have a bad heart. even the guys i despise the most showed at one time or another a real and true ability to be a good human being. they're just stupid/egocentric/annoying/sociopathes, or any other mental problem that comes through their actions. i still don't like them. but it is a very comforting thought to know that theres something good hiding in every human being, somewhere in the back of our heart.

and there are some (not much) really good people. people who think about other people as much as they think about themselves. people who help even when they are not asked too. people that see you depressed and tell you you can talk to them about anything, and they mean it sincerely. the ones who do it consciously i like and respect, and the ones that do it unconsciously i adore.

i truly hope (ever so much) that if i was a bystander that watched from aside i would be able to put myself into the first category. ( i don't do anything without thought, that's just the person i am, so the second category is out of my reach ....... )

one other time one of the guys i used to hate told me that i'm a strange person, because i act the way i really am, as if i'm saying " that's who i am, take it or leave it ". that i don't give a fuck.

mission accomplished.

my cat yulia loves me ever so much, and i love her ever so much, but i suspect that she loves me more than i love her and i feel a bit guilty. relationships are tough.

by the way he's a bitch and i don't like him even one bit anymore. "if you died i might be a bit sad but i woooon't cry" . to say the least. bitch.

well footjobs wasn't ever my thing anyway. fucker. HAHAHA.

the boys in the showers with big penises make me nervous and insecure (you know.....*looks down at crotch*) and i feel a bit sick when i see everyone in the showers. ( i don't shower with everyone but i pass the showers on my way to and from the toilets ). something's not right about the situation and i feel temporarily un-gay. (as opposed to straight - think of the difference).

but boys in uniform. i'm tired of thinking yum 100,000 times a day. i'm tired of it but still i drool.

yum.

my cute little (straight) boy did you know that everytime i see you i want to die out of inner joy? did you know that everytime i see you smile i want to die? did you know that i try to stand next to you everytime i can and then i imagine just touching your back and my breathing stops for a second? did you know that when one time you put your hand on my back i felt ecstasy rushing through my body? did you know i stare at your ass? did you did you did you? i bet you didn't

2 hours with my parents this morning made me go insane. yes the army is a salvation. replace insanity with insanity. i love my parents these days more than i did a long time though. but mom - you drive me nuts sometimes. so do you dad but not today, lucky you

till later my little bunnies. love.