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bee
2002-05-11 7:31 p.m.

i am an addict.

i am an addict to feeling weird. there i said it.

all the time everything feels strange. being in the army is slowly being registered by my mind, but still by any normal standard of life, everything there is weird.

and now when i come back in the weekend i feel even weirder. cause what used to be my life is now my life less then 2 days a week, only 2 days a week my friends are my friends my parents are my parents my home is my home.

for the first few weeks everytime i was home for the weekend i kept thinking : "oh my god i can't believe i'm not in the army now i can't believe i can do what i want i can't believe i'm seeing my friends i can't believe i can sleep more than 6 hours". i was haunted by a feeling of weirdness which was both enjoyable but has become recently unstandable.

this is my life and life is life and you can't live all the time thinking how weird it all is. so now it's all starting to slowly fit in.

just be stupid and enjoy what you can. for once in your life idiot.

-

the demons sometimes leave me alone and that's when i'm happy.

-

i officially finished my month of so called basic training. "tironut". i had a ceremony sniff sniff and it's all coming to an end.

there are some really nice people there. but for the mere fact that they won't miss me i won't miss them.

not even one person there will be more than a bit sad to say goodbye to me. some people made better connections than me there. did i mention i am socially disabled? i'm sure i did.

but now it all ends. and i start a new chapter of my military service. i will never see that base from inside again. i will never see my commanders again. i will never see all the people there again. and if i do see them in a shopping mall in 2 years or so i'd probably stare them straight in the eye and keep on walking. cause even the people which i like which i talked to them more than quite a bit even those people don't mean anything to me now. month old relationships which amount to a nice goodbye = nothing.

but on tuesday i leave my base and then everything will be new and the people there will be most likely good people and i hope ever so much i will like them and more importantly they like me. those are the people i will spend the next 2 monthes with- in which i will go through my intelligence squad course.

i have no idea what everything will feel like in a week. let's hope for the best.

please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please.

hmmmmmmmm

-

once there was a bee.

and she wasn't a regular bee. she looked like every other bee but she felt a bit different.

she was a wise bee and she was aware of many truthes which the other bees were blind too.

she used to fly in circles and she wasn't able to find honey like all the other bees.

one day she found a friend and they lived together on a flower collecting honey and eating it all by themselves.

it was a big yellow flower with big yellow leaves.


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