no excuses
2002-05-18 1:03 a.m.

i am crying but you don't have to know that. i am not going to write fuck in capital letters a million time. i am not going to write it say it or think it.

i was driving on the freeway and hearing my dead can dance record. it was about midnight and i wasn't tired. i drove 20 minutes and then decided to start driving back.

i had to get off the freeway and get back on it on the other side back to my home. i approached the traffic light. the traffic light for the turn left back to the freeway was red and the other one for continuing straight was green.

i waited for my turn left.

the green light changed to red. my turn left was still red. i waited. i was hearing my music and pondering about hell knows what.

then i saw a green light. i starting driving and after 1 second braked instantly as i saw that my traffic light was still red and the other one was the one that changed to green. it doesn't make any sense traffic wise but that was the way it was.

i was in the middle of the crossroad.

i was the only car there. except for the one behind me. so i kept on driving. then i looked in the mirror. it was police car.

i had no illusions the second i saw it was a police car. the truth was obvious.

i stopped at the side of the road before they even asked me too. disillusion isn't a nice feeling. the truth. the obvious. which can't be changed. consequences.

2 police men came. asked me for my licences. i gave it to them after some time fumbling with my papers. they took them. asked if i had any excuse. i told the truth. i had no excuse.

they went to their police car and did their usual routine and i waited in my car muttering shit every 5 seconds. worst case scenerio having my licsence provoked best case scenerio getting a 60 dollar ticket.

it was probably not more than 5 minutes but it was long. sooooo long. the officer came. gave me back my licences. gave me the ticket. bed me a nice ride home. only later did my mind register the enormous amount of cynicism that can be produced from that.

i asked him how much was the ticket. i didn't want to look at it. he told me 1000 shekels. 220 dollars. a bit more than what i expected. but still my mind blacked out for a second.

the cops drove away. there's nothing to say nothing to think. no excuse. no one to blame. just the facts. the cold fucking facts.

i sat there 5 minutes, feeling brain dead, and fighting any form of feeling which might rise up from my heart into my eyes and make my trip home impossible.

i drove home. it was long. longer much longer then the way there. i tried to delay my mental reaction until coming home. delay the thoughts of how this is 3 monthes of my army salary. delay the thoughts of how i know my parents will pay for it and they would tell me i shouldn't get too excited it's only money. delaying the fact of how much i hate when they do that. i should be yelled at they should take the car away from me it's 200 fucking dollars and it doesn't matter if you have a lot of money you should yell at me anyway.

i came home. woke up my mother. did what i planned to do. told her about the ticket. cried like i knew i would. she said what i knew she would say. i felt so bad like i knew i would feel. woke up my dad. he said what i knew he would say. i came here, and i'm writing what i planned on writing.

there's no excuse.

my mom told me that things like that happen and i didn't mean it.

i've pondered much before about doing things without meaning them. because i used to think that if you honestly don't mean harm, if you honestly sincerely try to do everything right, then you're allowed to make mistakes. that my personality is my personality and as hard as i try i always forget things and that's just to be accepted. i always forget things and very often i live in my dream world not really connected to earth. i try ever so hard and i'm allowed to make mistakes.

but no. that's wrong. wrong beyond infinity. i'm not allowed to make mistakes.

i was not allowed to lose my camera when i was in london. i'm not allowed to forget little things all the time. i'm not allowed to accidently pass traffic lights when they're red. just like i won't be allowed to forget my rifle somewhere. because that would mean 5 years in prison. just like i won't be allowed to forget my future baby (if i'll have one) in my car.

dear heavens no.

not meaning any harm, acknowledging the amount hurt that might come from your actions, does NOT morally cleanse you from your sins.

a few years ago there was a case here in israel. there was a women which had her own child day care. she worked there for 20 years with 2 year old kids. she never made any mistake. but one time - she didn't count the kids right. she got confused. and she forgot one of the kids in the car.

he died.

the papers said how the parents are ruined and crying all the time and so is the women responsible.

everyone was so angry with her. and i couldn't help but feel so sorry for her. even more then what i felt for the baby's parents. i kept thinking how she probably deserves to go to prison, but how tragic it is. how she's the victim as much as anyone is. how a thing like that could happen to me to someday. it's not like she took lightly the consequences. she knew what a mistake like that could cost her. but still it happened. she made a mistake. mistakes happen.

i had a fight about it with my friends. i explained how sympathetic i was with her. they didn't give her any repent.

i don't know if she deseres repent. i still feel ever so sorry for her. i can't promise 100 percent that a thing like that wouldn't happen to me.

but it won't. mistakes are NOT allowed.

people do bad things. some are sins and some are mistakes. sometimes people kill and sometimes people accidentally fall asleep while driving and hit the other car and cause death.

but mistakes have reasons.

if i am me. and my personality is my personality. then i have to deal with me. i have to be extra careful. i have to tell myself to be on guard all the time. if it's from the little things such as where i put my keys and not forgetting to turn off the light in the bathroom like my father always asks me too, or if it's the big things like knowing all the time exactly where my rifle is.

and if i see that being careful isn't enough. i should deal with it too. with the things i can deal with.

it was the second time in my life i pass a red light accidentally. i have almost no traffic mistakes. i wouldn't say i am more prone to things like that more than other people. i am careful. but it happened anyway. and there ARE conclusions to be made. i simply won't go anymore driving without any reason, at least until i'm more experienced. i come back from the army once a week and my driving skills get a bit rusty and if you add that to the loud music and my very mixed up mind and the hour of the night - you get what happened. it was a mistake. a costy one. but it could have been avoided. despite the fact that i didn't mean it. that it made me feel like dying.

it could have ended up much worse. passing a red light isn't only about getting a ticket. the ticket was justified. it could have been much worse. use your imagination.

i'm not crying anymore. things still suck though. but i had acceptence from the first second.

if this is what it takes to make conclusions, if this horror movie which was the last 2 hours might prevent something much bigger from happening in the past............... then just do your job and be happy your parents have the money.

but do your job. this is not about traffic awareness. it's about everything. i know me and you know me. do your job. not for your parents to please them not for your friends to please them not for yourself to please youreself. just because you don't have any other choice.

i don't have any other choice.

and i will NOT write it off with my neurotic whatever personality. you have no excuses and no discounts.

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