jelly fish.
2002-07-20 6:18 p.m.

what keeps me alive what keeps my head above water are fantasies.

i dream of boys i dream of sex but most of all i dream of love and i dream of scenrios and i dream of lying with someone else in bed while the alarm clock goes off in the morning and i dream of a hundrend million things which i don't even have to tell you about because they're so lame, common, and wonderful.

and what keeps me above sea-level is those fantasies and more than that the belief that they're not fantasies but future scenerios; the feeling of knowledge of what's to come in the future, the feeling that everything now is just a phase.

because i'm sick and tired and sick and tired of it. because i'm FUCKING sick and tired. i'm afraid of becoming apathic to loneliness and to being alone. so i become sick and tired of it instead.

everything is supposed to come naturally in life right?. you're supposed to naturally find out what your sexual orientations are after the whole teen phase, and you're supposed to naturally find the one who will naturally find you too. it doesn't have to be THE ONE, just some one.

but fuck it. it's been going on for too long now. for too long now. for too fucking long now. i hate being 19 in a week or so. i hate it. i know i shouldn't mind but i feel the pressure of life on me, it's silly and expected, i know. but i don't want to be 19 and a virgin and scared and frightened and confused like i STILL am. age has nothing to do with anything. but 19 - god it's so old to still be dealing with this shit.

and i don't know what the right way to act is anymore. i don't know if i should keep on trying to send my picture to internet foreigners who send me their picture and i don't like how they look and usually they don't like what i look like and i feel like i hate the world. the internet is a yucky place to meet people as far as i have found out. yuck yuck yuck yuck.

and i don't know if i should just wait. until something comes 'naturally', someone i meet, someone i get fixed up with by some mutual acquaintence. cause if it doesn't come soon, maybe it won't come, and if i feel like this when i'm 21 i'd shoot myself. i have a gun and don't be sure that i'm kidding.

but 21 is far far away so don't worry.

and still despite all of it fantasies keep me above water. even a few feet above. it's even nice sometimes to be in the middle of the ocean. sunshine, sounds of waves, the epitome of serenity.

but gravity is always fighting and i might fall someday and the ocean is full of jelly fish and i can't begin to describe my inner feelings towards jelly fish. the most nasty creature to ever exist.

and don't think i'm kidding you there a lot of jelly fish here in israel. and i very well prefer to be a few feet above them for the mean while.