i woke up in tears
2002-08-30 1:27 a.m.

all my life i prefered red grapefruit over regular grapefruit. i took it as an obvious fact. i didn't like regular grapefruit - it had to be red.

but now i'm not too sure.

sure red grapefruit looks much much MUCH better. but shouldn't i make such decisions based on taste?

hmmmmmmmm.

...........................................

i had the most horrible dream ever. it was worse than everything i have ever experienced in all my life. i cried so much.

in my dream i walked at night to my living room and saw giant cat-sized rats walking about. they were evil - i could feel something bad had happened.

don't ever underestimate what a silly unrealistic dream like this can cause.

i felt in my heart that they harmed my cat yulia, and i looked around, and there she was (yulia), in the living room, on her back, legs up in the air, stiff and dead as a stone.

i gasped and a feeling stronger than anything i have ever felt rushed through my body. shock, disbelief, agony, pain. i woke up my parents and screamed at them, crying, to call the vet, but alas yulia was dead.

i cried and i cried and i yelled and i cried.

the feeling of losing something, losing something so important to you, more than anything in the world, losing it without option of retrieving it. the realisation that this is final.

and i cried.

the dream went on 3 month later. i had gone into a state of mental shock, and i spent 3 monthes in a mental hospital, i was told, and i didn't remember anything. i couldn't recall a thing from those 3 monthes. and people were shocked when i told them i repressed it completely.

and i was a different person. sad, shattered, with the feeling still in my heart. i don't wish it upon anyone.

and from all this dream, i have made one conclusion. i will NEVER never ever ever commit suicide. i have no right whatsoever to create that feeling in someone else, my parents. to lose your only son. i don't want to imagine how it would make them feel. i couldn't imagine even i wanted to.

only if i'm old and/or dying as it is, or if i'm alone in the world after my parents have died, will i grant myself the possibility of suicide. otherwise, no matter how bad things might be sometimes, (not specifically now...) , i will never.

and conclusion #2 is i love my cat. ever so much.

conclusion number 3 might be a realisation that i will have to handle loss of loved ones in my life and that i should learn how to cope and not fall apart to pieces like i did in the dream. but i don't feel like making that conclusion now.