yeah it evens out.
2002-10-08 4:36 p.m.

i went out with shani and shimon to this gay cafe yesterday. a very nice place loaded with cute boys. our goal was to find the man of our dreams.

well we didn't. and i hate the way i act around shimon. it makes me wanna die. i'm uptight, i don't express myself the way i should, i just want him to like me. not that i have any hopes about anything from him. i don't.

but still.

and i didn't find any man of my dreams.

not even a man i could lick through the night. i want something. so bad. so bad. so bad. i'm tired of this so much. and i feel so impotent, helpless.

and i dreamt all night about shimon and other naked boys in my bed and about love and sex. and i woke up feeling like a roadkill. my heart was throbbing, crying, shooting lumps into my throat, planting self hatred in every part of my body. and the wet eyes too. oh the wet eyes with the single tear slipping slowly down the cheek ain't it wonderful?

but i bought a gamling card and i won 90 shekels so its okay.

ha!

i can see it already. i will look around the shoulder in a couple of years and think with bitterness how being 19 sucked so badly, just like i think today about being 17.

this sucks. but i won 90 shekels.