taking care of myself.
2003-03-26 1:34 a.m.

so that's it.

i can feel sorry for myself. because things are shitty. they really really are.

i am alone.

i am lonely.

i need someone that i don't have.

i've missed you for too long considering i haven't met you yet.

i am too fucked up. anal sex my ass. oral sex. boys. hairy boys. girls. virgin. my body. dicks. sex. it's all fucked up in my mind. it's all disgusting in my mind. which is fucked up. and i'm alone.

and i can feel sorry for myself.

and i can be angry at myself. for not doing the right things. for not going out to meet gays. for not trying to solve my problems. for being so weak for so long. for living on a past which hardly exists.

FOR NOT FUCKING TAKING CARE OF MY LIFE. for nurishing apathy for my own life. the only life i've got. for not caring enough to win over myself. for saying what will be will be and i'll do what i have to do someday but not now.

for not writing in this diary anymore. cause this was self therapeutic thoughts. this was taking care of myself. that's all it was. and i don't write here anymore. sure it's hard with the army but that's no excuse.

but no.

i will not feel pity. i will not feel anger. i will commit to myself. i will i will i will i will. enough excuses. enough weakness. enough enough enough. i forgive you for everything. only the future is important.

next thursday i'll go to that gay meeting.