picture of the present
2005-09-29 9:59 a.m.

and to the rescue here i am. once again in london.

who am i to you my diary? what do you know about me after so long of neglecting to take care of you? or maybe time doesnt matter i was and will be the same? a personoality that is a rock withstanding all weather? i dont think so.

i have lost my way a bit again, i stopped flowing with the wind, i started climbing uphill where there wasnt any hill to climb

my life is very good now, i realise that, yet i have been in a prolonged state of anxiety for so long. but that state only reflects the voluptous inner desire to be happy, to succeed in getting what i what even though i dont know what it is, and more so it reflects the fear, the fear of failure, of sinking in with mediciority, of comprimise now, which will mean compromise in the future, i cant have that.

so ive made a simple decision about my future in the next 3 months into an ongoing excruciating decision, it has been a kind of an obsession that fills up my time.

go to work in the states? in new york? stay in scotland? go to work in london? what is more important pleasure or money, and how much am i willing to sell my soul for, in order to sell that damned ufo? yes that flying saucer that doesnt work, with the tears in the eyes of that 8 year old kid.

anyway my friend is calling me, so i must go, and go on.