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this is where i stand
2005-12-31 4:06 p.m.

I was never too good in formulating my thoughts into a clear written, logical sounding essay. Things usually don�t make too much sense in my head as it is, so trying to put that salad of notions into your normal introduction, middle, conclusion formula is tough. That�s why I usually stick to 2 or 3 sentences which are pretty vague to everyone but me. But hey I still have things to say and I want them to be rational, I don�t want half metaphors and emotions getting in the way. So

I look at my life now, and I look at the past, and I try to think where I�m going to. When I finished the army 8 months ago, I was overcome with feelings of freedom, joy, I was happy to be alive. My mind was filled with dreams, and then seemed the time to fulfill them. I wanted to be my own man. I wanted to begin my life of adventure.

Well I had some adventure. I had a lot of great times, a lot of mediocre times and a lot of not-so great times. Things were crazy and hectic and there wasn�t a second of boredom, and I caught happiness here and there. But I drained myself out, left without an emotion to spare, I came back to Israel a month ago with no concrete dream of the future, with the feeling of realization that what I was looking for does not exist for me. I was happy to be home but also that itching feeling of failure was at the back of my neck. Life seemed..... futile all of a sudden. It is not easy to let go of dreams, it is not easy to change perspective, every change holds pain within itself, I figured that out long long ago. And I realize that the main feature of this time in my life is change.

But now I�m getting back my powers, I�m still very tired, but dreams are starting to crawl back into my conscience, and happiness too, and that t is good. And I feel strong enough to wonder, but really honesty wonder, where I am at in life, and what I�m looking for.

I�m 22 and a half years old. It�s funny how clich� it is, but I still need to find out who I am and what I want. I NEED dreams. I used to think that studying in the us, that living abroad was in itself a dream worth having. But I realize, (hopefully with just cause) , that happiness is harder to achieve than that, geographical location is not enough. And now I think of studying here in Israel. The giving up of dreams? But it seems like the logical thing to do now, and the dream seemed to have vanished......

Shit I feel my train of thought going off track, I�m not sure how to continue.

I�m gay. I think sometimes how I want to have sex with a woman, I hope I will. But I also want to have sex with a man I trust, I want to feel safe with his dick inside my ass. I want to look into his eyes. It is not passion I seek, it is something else.

I think a lot about sex. And I jack off at least one a day. such a silly thing you know. I mean it is so physical, just a need like any other need that needs to be fulfilled. And It stands in defying contrast, the worldliness of the need, compared to the utter urgency with which it is felt. It feels like I DESERVE touching Noam when he is there next to me, it feels nothing but silly, it is overwhelmingly serious, it leaves little room for other needs and feelings, if I were a different man the immensity of the impulse could have made me commit murder easily.

I wonder if my relationship with him is symbolic, maybe for the road which I seem to be taking now. Because after the earlier dreams have been splintered, if not completely shattered, it seems I have been accepting the easier route to life � studying in Israel, and suddenly sooner rather than later, and it seems that suddenly life is leading me instead of me leading life. Will walking down this road help me achieve satisfaction or just comfort? Will my life be like my relationship with him � good friends, trust and love, but not enough, never enough, never enough? Where does true satisfaction come from? Well it isn�t the best of symbolism, actually it is pretty bad, just a thought that went through my mind today. (If you�re reading this noam I hope you�re not offended, I mean you know how I feel.)

I think about kids. Do I want to have them? Do I want to make that into one of my dreams? It doesn�t seem relevant now anyway, but still. How will the future look like? Will I ever find someone who I will want to spend the rest of my life with? Where will I find him (her? Improbable).

I am tired of playing power games with myself, I want to achieve what I want to achieve, and any means of achieving that is kosher. My parents have money. Not zillions of millions of dollars, but they have money. I don�t want power games no more, I don�t want to prove to myself anything anymore, I want to be happy. So I�m taking the money from them, and pushing the feeling of guilt down below the ground as much as possible.

I realize that I have not done even one active action which is one with my moral views of the world. If I could make the decision to dedicate my life to some noble cause I would, but actions are hard for me. Emotionally I don�t feel strongly enough about it to really do something. I don�t value that in myself. I hope I will change. Kids might be an ultimate goal that can push me forwards in life (though not now), but helping less privileged in Africa for example seems more like the right thing to do, if I will be able to make that a pushing force in my life. But for now it is not what I want to do, and words are worth dick.

One feature of life to me, is that every step, every decision, feels like a crucial crossroad. But it never is, nothing is permanent, and there will be plenty of crossroads. At some I will take the right turn, at some I will take the wrong turn, and some I will take the left turn. That is a comforting thought. I am still young, much too much too young to feel life closing upon me, especially since I am privileged and I don�t have any family to feed or any financial instability. I am lucky.

I am flying to India in 2 weeks, and I�ll be there as long as I�m happy, and I hope I will be. I�m happy now, but not enough. I�m greedy and I want more and more. I don�t know where I�m going, I�m not sure exactly of who I am, but this is where I stand.


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