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2'nd day in goa
2006-01-21 10:58 p.m.

and i get off the plane in mumbai, and the heat right in my face. finally, some real fucking heat!
.......
all the time what everyone was telling me, that it is crazy, crazy, the main thing that hits you when you get of the plane will be the smell. well i must say, people get a grip. but i guess that the smell of dust and perspiration is kind of constant.
.......
i'm here in goa. i have a room here near the beach, and my friend ofer and his girlfriend noami have a room right next to me. we hang out with this canadaian-thinks-she's-a-guru girl, so it's the four of us most of the time.

life is comfortable. i must say - too comfortable. not much of real india for now. and i'm a bit disappointed with ofer and noami's frame of mind - too burgois (or however you write it) for me. i'm not sure if this is what THEY want, but this comfort isn't really what i was seeking when i came here. though i'm not sure what i was looking for.

but i will adjust, i have no complaints and life is good, and at least for the near future i will go with the flow, like the ganges.

so i wake up, eat breakfest, smoke a joint, go swim and throw frisby in the sea, read my don quixote, smoke a joint, be very calm, change moods between numb to philosophical to melancholy to content, drink some chai, go to the local market, smoke another joint, read some more don quixote and then go to sleep. well a bit silly of me to generalise things since today was my first full day here. we'll see how things go. inshalla, tomarrow i will rent a bike and go touring around a bit by myself, that should be fun. the nature is beautiful here, it reminds me of many end scenes in james bond movies, where he would find the secret hiding place of the evil guy somewhere in an abandoned tropical island. except that here it isn't an island, and instead of evil guys you have drunk brits.
...............
real peace comes from the inside, but there is no arguing that peace from the outside, touristic or not, has it's positive effect on the soul. so peaceful. no worries. everything is cheap, everything is warm, nothing is scary, everything flows. this is the 2'nd day of my trip, and i have a few hundred more.
..............
maybe

i realise that what brings us all together is fear, fear of being alone in this world, fear of not being noticed, fear of the understanding that the wall between us and everyone else (including the ones we care most about) is unsurmountable. it is a very unnatural bond considering all in all, and as much as we would want to deceive ourselves, we are alone, no one understands, no one really honestly fucking understands.

you can just try to catch here and there moments when the lies are mutual enough to feel real

maybe
............
i can see the shape of your penis in your pants

and want to touch you

and when you lift your hand up i can feel the smell of curry and stinky spices all over

and still
.......
and sometimes i let my mind wander off into places which it shouldn't wander off too, and i can feel the craziness and total lack of control spreading. but just for a minute or two then it goes away


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