ciao
2006-08-01 2:15 p.m.

here i am
..............
watching my fingers touching the keyboard

watching my mind

it's a bit hot, small drops of prespiration are forming on the top of my head

breathing isn't really easy today

cars are beeping outside
.................
i want to confess everything that has been going through my mind, i want to cleanse myself, i want to start with a clean sheet again, this is why i'm here.
...............
practical information (order has no meaning)

in ladakh, india

birthday (23) 2 days ago ( my friends bought me a choclate cake. choclate. choclate!!?!?@#?!? )

been travelling in the indian subcontinent for 6.5 months

my friends at the moment compromise of fellow travellers shai, adi, amit ( who left ) , romy (who's coming), and nir and his girlfriend benny.

it's good to have friends

my state of mind the past day and half has not been so good.

i don't know my near future plans. august what do you have in store?

i'm starting university in a few months.

i'm sad more friends didn't remember my birthday... all my other birthday's i didnt care, but now for some reason i do. which action will i be able to do with less bitterness ( not that i'm SO bitter ) - wish noam happy birthday in 2 weeks, or just ignore it, so as not to raise the issue? silly silly me.

i'm hungry
............
enough practicalities
............
so you talk to me about the meaning of life, and you talk to me about the impossiblity of finding a final solution, and human suffering, and getting rid of desire, and not being hungry for anything, and i want to be proud too, i want to have more strength, so why am i feeling less strength recently, and i need to decide where i go from here, i need to understand what is the right path to choose now, cause now, like any other there is is just another junction, and no yellow brick road is to be seen, or more exactly i'm not strong enough to find that yellow brick road.

so i can go and do vipassana in 2 weeks, or i can go and try to volunteer here, but i'm scared. i'm aware that being scared does not make any sense, but what if they expect me to take care of 20 kids and teach them something, and i'm not able, and then the embarassment, it will be so uncomfortable and as you know my little bunnies the main thing that still holds me back ( or one of them things at leat ) is the fear of feeling uncomfortable.

some people freeze when they think of pain

some people shudder at the thought of being alone

but my mind cannot accept the possibility of not being socially comfortable.

climbing 6100 meters ? no problem.
spending 3 nights alone in a cave? no problem?
hurting loved ones? possible
hurting myself ? milega.

sub kuch milega!!!

so am i still at that point in my life where happiness prevails? objectively i should be, but my mind wanders, and craves, and i don't know how much longer i will be able to not touch any nepali or tibetan guy walking beside me

oh if only i could be like those indians who fundle some western girl on the train, and it really makes me angry, the thought that to the normal indian the concept of western sexual freedom only means that woman are sluts, but i am a slut too, i want to be a slut....
..................
oh well
..............
deep down

sitting with me legs folded very strongly here in the internet place

and my fingers are sweating

and even when i'm not thinking about it, something inside of me is trying to presuade furiously my consciousness to decide to get up and go get that thali already.
.................
cause and effect?

effect and cause?

god?

consciousness?

truth, awareness, and immortality

jung, brothers karamazov, gotama , and such

you want me to form my own opinion on the meaning of life? can i not just immerse myself with other people's ideas.

as i already knew before ( i've told you this my little bunnies haven't i? ) - you only really honestly think with all your heart about the meaning of life when something doesn't fit, when the dhuka rises, or whatever, when you really need to pee but you can't cause you're sitting in the internet place

so a while ago i was really happy, and i got play with the thoughts about the meaning of life, but it was all games, since i was happy, and i KNEW what the meaning was, without reason.

and now you're trying to use reason to get it back, to make the right decisions, to be happy again.

and anyway it doesn't really matter, if you like it or not, you will be happy sooner or later, the only thing which you can decide is timeline decision, which in itself is useless since you can't even tell me what time is.

all will pass.
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never, but never, did i really get full satisfaction from writing in this place, never did i feel that i really cleanes myself, or expressed myself even relatively close to the way i should

but i'm trying, and 20 percent is better than zero percent.

ciao mi amigos