can't let that be
2006-10-10 3:21 a.m.

yet again that known situation

half dancing to some shitty hip hop in the latest gay joint, trying to put on a face that conceals the fact that i'm the farthest away as can be from doing anything with which i feel comfortable with

trying unsuccesfully to make eye contact with someone which according to my everyday attraction i should feel attracted to, though anyway i don't feel attraction now, god only knows why, and just looking at all the guys with the tight shirts and cigarettes in their hands shuts me off completely

i try to remember my commitement before i started the night, this time i won't feel like this, and this time i'll hit on someone, tired of being alone, tired of being alone!

but this isn't working, it never works, almost never works, and the years are passing, and the shit is piling up in piles on the surface of the ocean, in freakin heaps, bird dung getting eaten by small fish which are getting eaten by bigger fish, which are getting eaten by me

and i force myself to imagine that one of the guys is nice, actually nice, but it is so hard and i do nothing.

you know, i really thought, i honestly whole heartedly believe that EVERYTHING will change once i come back from india, that what i've been through is life changing, and nothing will really be the same when i come back. and i wanted it to be that way.... but it's hard to say that that's how i feel, 6 days after coming back from my 9 month trip. it all feels the same.... things like this make you wonder, what makes changes occur, since there is no doubt that things DO change, and life, personality, life view, and such changes do not occur only when you're 5 or 16. so what does make those changes? i've been through so many experiences which were so far away from my everyday life, i talked to so many people, thought so many thoughts, had (minor) sexual relations with a nepali and thai guys, sat at the top of the world with nothing but the everest higher than me, only me and my walking stick, slept in caves hugged with a dog with only the full moon as light, witnessed and participated in a completely different world of human interaction than what i was used to, from the carefree full of love interaction with fellow travellers, where saying hello to everyone is the standard, to the fascinating interaction with those fucked up indians, 24 hours a day, and all for so long, not a week or a month, but a big portion of my life, and so on and so on.

and now? back exactly to the way things were? with only a 20 minute daily meditation period to remind me that something different from this existed? from this shallow dullness, comfort, melancholy happiness and sadness, romantic loneliness and self pity that characterised my life for so long?

i can't let that be.

the Buddha inside of me won't let that be.