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midterm thoughts And it all makes you wonder..... 1) driving back home from the dorm room in jerusalem after spending the night there. As i was making the left turn, the thought ran through my head, it runs through my head once a month or so : what have i become? This numbness of feelings, the loss of the notion, feeling that i deserve to enjoy happiness fully, and to really become who i want to be, the comfortable warmness of it all. what is it all amounting up to? How much free will to change the course of my life, of my personality, do i still have left in myself? Do i even still believe that there's some energy left? 2) As i was lying hugged with him in his bed, he said i have a cute ass, but i couldn't get it up except when i was going down on him, thinking that i'm getting the weapon ready for the battle which is to enter my ass, but then he didn't enter my ass but turned on his stomach, and all i had was his a-bit hairy back and my flaccid penis, and even thoughts about noam's penis did not help, and all i wanted was to run away, run away from any implications that might be. Amit tells me i should go back and see a pyschologist, and noam tells me that i should fuck girls, and i tell myself a whole lot of things, and his bald head, and nice yellow green eyes staring at me in the morning, and here look at me i'm cumming, so what the hell do you want from me? And then i dream about other boys, and who ever said that after meeting one time i should feel something towards a stranger, since i frankly feel nothing, and i prefer doing homework then meeting you, but if i keep on refraining from jacking off i'll prefer meeting you, and then maybe we won't even need noam's penis, and who knows, maybe that's just the right recipe for love. yep. pchh. 3) This thoughts about consistency, and inconsistency of formal peano axiom mathematical systems, and programming the backup to the information system which holds the key to the universe, and memory models which explain why it is better to hear The sea and cake songs and not Gang of four songs when studying for tests, and theories about acquiring languages, and proofs about matrices, and why the most popular algorithm in the world is the most popular algorithm in the word, and all that shit. well. it's all kind of interesting i must say. GEEK! --- hope i won't be the me which is now, since i'm getting honestly kind of... bored. |