Matan
2008-05-21 6:45 p.m.

Snapshots

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Me, lying in the middle of the road, huddled up with my knees against my chest, crying so hard I can�t feel my fingertips.
No oxygen in my lungs.
I mumble to myself � I can�t anymore anymore �, repetitively, again and again and again.
A taxi comes my way, I stay on the road, play around with the thought of not moving when it gets to me, but eventually continue with my crying scene, huddled up on the sidewalk.
A women walks past me, and I quickly get up, she still notices me though, does not understand what I am doing.
I start walking up the street in my parent�s neighborhood toward the park in which our first date took place. I contemplate getting dead drunk and wasted, but then I don�t do it.
I call a friend and cry horribly on the phone.
He, (matan), sends me a message, telling me �evidently I am capable of crying�.
I cry horribly some more.
I think I made a mistake, that I should have stayed with him a while longer.
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20 minutes earlier.
We drive silently in is car, I cry. The closer we get to my house, the harder I cry.
�It�s not the train to treblilnka�, he says quietly.
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20 minutes earlier.
I get into his car, he kissed me a small kiss, I kiss back. We small talk a few minutes, then I say : Okay, I thought about it, and I�m not sure we need to be together. He replies � oh really? What exactly do you mean?�
I elaborate. It doesn�t seem we have things to talk about. He says, but it takes time� and that he likes me. I say that I like him too, hell he�s the guy I dated who I liked the most, but �. You just can�t compromise in these things. He tries to convince me that he is intelligent and deep. I say that I KNOW he is ( I really do ). He tries to talk maturely about it. I cry. I say I hate myself for crying, like those girls, stupid girls. He doesn�t say much, it�s obvious he is pissed off, and holding off tears which have been clogging up inside for years and years.
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2 days earlier.
I wake up in his bed. He tries to jack me off, and I tell him not too, that it�s too early.
Last night we played computer games for 3 hours, and didn�t talk almost at all. ( Like the date before, almost ) .When we did talk for 10 minutes he said he was bored.
I heard him yell at his father and brother on the phone, in a real disgusting way.
I decided he annoys me. The before sex sleep wasn�t good.
He never shows any sign of wanting anal sex.
Morning time again � gets out his small electric piano, and plays some stupid thing he learnt when he was a kid. Says he has musical hearing. Plays �by hearing� some beatles song, which he hardly knows. I don�t recognize even a part of the melody line. He keeps on going, and then asks what I think. I�m embarrassed.
He goes to work, and drives me to my parent�s house on the way. He says I look �pensive�. I decide that he annoys me again, and that I should break up with him.
I think � I always want the date to end because I�m bored, and he is a kind of an annoying person. I have feelings for him, and I also think he�s nice and intelligent, but If I don�t feel like being with him, how can I be with him?
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During the previous 2 weeks.
We talk on the phone a bit. I hate the way he talks�. He says �hello� like an asshole, and has the most annoying tone. But I also feel a lot of softness for him.

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4 dates before, (first date)
We meet at the basketball court, on an unconventional first date. I win, but only slightly. I like the way he looks, and I think he is funny. He guards me closely, and my penis is alert.
We go to the neighborhood playground � there is a �Pirate ship� there � it�s a big ship in which kids plays, with lots of nooks. We find one such nook, besides the �cannon�,
And lye hugged for a few hours, and talk about everything. He says how is never thinks, and isn�t in touch at all with his feelings, probably a trauma from hiding his sexual identity from the world and himself between ages 13-20.
He talks about how we will celebrate our July birthdays, 4 months from now.
I�m really happy.
He says how he hasn�t cried at least 10 years, even though he is always depressed, because of his lonely romantic situation.
We kiss a lot.
We get to my house, after talking for 8 hours.
We have sex. ( just some jacking off ).
He has a very small penis, and for some reason it�s never erect. ( even in later dates ).
He goes home morning time, ( noonish ). I feel extremely happy, though a bit worried because of the not really successful sex. I really like him. Maybe this is it?