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dialogue.
2008-06-11 11:18 p.m.

As i was walking down the street, and feeling depressed as usual. I was thinking - It's been a long time since i reasoned, but really honestly reasoned truthfully about my situation.

I'm depressed. All the time. It seems that words cannot really fully illustrate the intensity of feelings, the colors that swirl in my head all the time. When i write about it here with 3 lines, it seems to nullify the full strength of the feeling, as if writing here must entail some sort of self-cynicism towards it. But then again, maybe that's always the relation between rational and emotion - the former seems so vain, and in writing the former usually has precedence.

Anyway, to our point, which is me, like always. I was trying to confront myself, here are excerpts from the dialogue.

- Why am i depressed? But honestly, Why?
Because I don't have a boyfriend, since I've been looking for so long unsuccessfuly, and I don't feel I have the strength in me to go on.
That's my usual comeback to myself, it's simple recall, no need for any rationalization there - I KNOW why I'm depressed, exactly like I know who is my mom. No real use in questioning is there?

But, is that really the picture? One question which seems to be nagging, is - Do i want to be happy? But really, honestly really, do i want to be happy? And really, honestly really, why am i depressed?

After running through some not very impressive defense mechanisms, I found out that the answers to these questions are definately not straight forward.

I perceive depression as a state, which is full of emotion, color, and essence, as opposed to simple boredom, or mundane meaningless. Even when i was in 5'th grade, i remember i used to be proud of myself that i was depressed - it seemed like something grownups would do, or at least special kids. And i'm special, right?

But happiness, isn't it better? Still my usual recall answer, is that I'm searching for happiness. But am i really? One insight that came up, that in order to thrive, sneaky depression HAS to have me craving for happiness. Since what good is depression when it's not contrasted with the lack of the desired state? Then it takes out all the meaning of depression, it takes out the tragicness of it all, and leaves you simply with some human emotional/physiological fuck up which determines the inability to receive enough dopamine.
So craving happiness, is the bread and butter of depression, it justifies it.
So, do i really want to be happy? And if i am, am I willing to fight for it? Since the fight right now at these times is at it's highest, and it seems Depression has some pretty mighty weapons up its arsenal.
Am i willing to give up on impressing Uriah with thoughts about death?
Am i willing to let go?
To be happy?
I sure hope i am. I'm tired.
Then again, trying to be objective, another conclusion that might be extracted, is that despite the irony and the tears and the minutes and hours and days and weeks and months and years of suffering, I am exactly where i want to be.


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