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resurrection, revisited OR an exclamation mark not mitigated by a cynical remark?
2009-03-26 6:03 p.m.

so after last entry, i've been thinking alot about what it means that i want to change.
So my first thoughts were that it's a plain lie to say i don't know what i want to change about myself, and lies are crap. so : here a (partial) list! ordered randomly.

- i want to feel more comfortable around people. family, friends, strangers. I know, I know, almost nobody really feels comfortable around people, but hey! i score less than the average ( though i'm way higher up the scale compared to the dark highschool days )

- the ego shit. I have much too much too big of an ego. and sure! everyone has their own ego problems, but my guess is that i score above average on this scale as well. I realize that only suffering comes from this.

- i want to be less focused on myself

- i (maybe) want to think if i want to go back to being nice to people, something which i stopped somewhere along the way. i want to hate less, but not fake it.

- i want to accept that i'm getting older, with the physical changes and the changes in the social environment that comes with it.

- i want to be excited about life again, as i used to be.

- i (maybe?) want to have more control over my emotional existence

- reading my last entry again, with the "is happiness worth it?", it seemed to me more than ever
like such a lame thing to say. i want to be happy!
.
look at me, i'm gaining speed, the falling snow splashing coldly against my cheeks, look at me i'm not falling, and i'll lean back and turn a bit to the right now, and hey i'm in the air now, and hey i'm upside down with my face in the snow.
.
but there's more

these things i want to change, most of them have been there for a while, and after thought, i realize how it's also a lie, to get into this state of "hey i'm thinking of this now, and i'm resurrecting", and shit, since i always wanted to change that stuff. I mean, almost everything in that list can be found somewhere in my diary, as something which i'm not content with. So why didn't i change those stuff earlier. And as the book becomes more boring, and as Nekhbolydov feels more like a fictional Christ than a real person, i remember, that the reason i stopped trying to change, was because i tried and failed, and tried and failed, and somewhere along the way i got to a conclusion that the battle is not worth it anymore, and i've changed enough to be able to put my weapons down and accept myself. Change sounds like an exciting and positive word, but so does Acceptance, right?
So why continue fighting?

Not so much such an important moment, but maybe one which exemplifies in a good way that state of mind - i remember talking to that psychologist i went to for one meeting. And she was asking, "why are you here?", all the time. If i had went to her 4 months earlier, or 5 month later, or almost any other time in my life, it would have been very clear - "i'm crying almost non-stop" would have been a good answer. but at that time, i was in a spell of nice weather, and didn't know what to say. I didn't really know why i was there, to be honest, besides feeling like it was the right thing, to seek help then, even though i was mildly content. And i spit out that i would have liked to feel more comfortable around people, and she said something like " it's okay to not feel comfortable around people - some people are comfortable socially, and can always think easily of what to say, and some just aren't that way - that's also okay ". And i thought - okay, than it's OK. But she's just some old shrink - she might be right, she might be wrong, but anyways her truth should not be automatically mine as well. and anyway she pissed me off.

Thinking now, my sexual orientation battle can also be a very good example of the different states of mind which i went through. At 18, i was still very much into thinking i was bi-sexual. but as time went by, after the katrijn ecstasy-turned-to-horror, after falling in love with dor and than noam, and most importantly after never hitting on girls, never having girls interested in me, after having numerous sexual relations with guys - i got to this state of " i'm gay, and i'm happy with it". And it made me happy, at least in a sedate sort of way, to not fight anymore, to not feel the obligation around every girl to feel guilty that i don't do anything, and to not be in the constant analyzing state of "why i'm gay". And then i just accepted the facts as they are - i'm gay, and i like guys, and maybe i have a few unsettled issues with girls, but why keep on fighting?

that struggle, was really gruesome - almost every inch of my being tells me that that's a box that doesn't want to be opened. And really(?), i really believe that i'm gay, and that any box-openings would lead back to futile thoughts and battles. But i realize also the downsides of closed-boxes.
so i jack off all the time about guys, and once in a while about girls, for the fun of it, despite the guilt feelings which that arouses.

And now thinking about it some more, i also remember how this state of mind was (a result?) related to the other psychologist i went to earlier, while in the army. She didn't say almost anything, but the few times she did talk, she would not follow my "let's open the box" lead, but was leading all the time to "it's okay, don't worry about it, i think you are gay". Which again, might have been the right way for me, and might not have been, but it's interesting to notice what an effect that had on me.

(and reading over the entry, i realize how ridiculous it sounds, to need to have a psychologist tell you that it's okay, don't worry about it, you're gay. sign of the times i guess, ha ha!)

.
writing this entry, i don't feel myself, and i don't really like it. it feels like i'm not really spitting out my thoughts, but reciting something. which makes sense, since i had a week of thinking about this stuff, and i'm trying to remember my thoughts, and not produce new ones. another reason might be, that i just google talked with both andy and omer, and thus i have a clearer feeling of writing something which they will read.

UPDATE - going over the entry, up to now, and adding a few stuff, and changing other stuff, i do feel more like me.
.
So let's talk about EGO. i have a big ego, and it causes me suffering. I've known it for a long time - i remember half jokingly sending noam an email in india, saying how i've finally
been able to get rid of my ego, with the help of buddhism, me and george are one! i was joking, but deep down i was serious.

i got thinking about it seriously, noticing my losses in backgammon to my cousin in my trip.
We always tease each other about games, and it's all good heartedly, but after yet another loss - i want to die. The mere thought that he's simply better than me - silly as it is - is something which doesn't ever voluntarily enter my mind.

But there are better examples! at least 5/10 times when i'm really depressed about my (lack of) romantic situation, i get really depressed when i think about other people, and especially about noam. I envy him sometimes to the depths of the universe, for having what i have not, and a thought that ran through my mind, is that me ego cannot handle the fact that i failed where he succeeded. Though it's not regarding everyone, i do not feel that way regarding other friends with healthy romantic lives. anyway.

And all the time, i rejoice at every new proof that i'm smart, since i am smart, and i linger on it, and wallow in the mud of it. but it's all mud, and though these were just two stupid examples,
it pervades my everyday interaction with other people and with myself.

And it's pretty obvious where it all comes from - i was a small weak kid, not from the cool guys, shy, with a short body, and a small penis. Who was by chance very smart, and in order to build my self-confidence i had to linger and wallow in it, and this caused perversions, such as having a hard time accepting people who ARE smarter than me (did anyone say noam?), since this was something which helped me hold on and cover up so much other shit. so 20 years later, i can hardly accept defeat in backgammon. But then for a while i try playing with my truth, and imagining a dream world in which i don't decide my happiness comparatively, in which it's okay to not be the smartest, it's okay to look "just okay", it's okay that noam has a much bigger penis, it's okay to lose in backgammon, there's no need to have my smartness ego patted on all the time, and when it is patted, i would accept it with indifference, a world in which a failure to find love, is sad, but is sad because i'm sad, but not because i can't accept the fact that i'm not happy like some other people are.
And i tell my cousin that he played backgammon better than me, and i feel light as a feather, and i realize it's a world i want to live in.
.........
so lots of truths said, probably even more remain unhidden, and just as katusha refused to succumb to some fancies of some resurrected christ, it seems that i do too. but we'll see, and anyway it's exciting for me to look back at my life and see the lines going through things - it makes the present look much more transitory, which inevitably gives hope.

Not that life is that bad as it is!!


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