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Indian cooking seminar Trying to face my fears, not always successfully. I am really tired of whining about weakness, I really want to stop doing that, to empower myself to be strong, to not be afraid, but again and again I fall down. Why? What am I doing wrong? It is deep down, need surgery to get it out. Getting so stressed out about a silly Indian cooking seminar, which was supposed to be so easy, and making it into a huge monster, eating away at my inner self during my dreams at night. And I want to push myself, to be the type of person who pursues self exploration as means to be alive. but not to push myself just for the sake of pushing myself. I don't want to do the stupid "proving to myself" game anymore, I want just to do the things I want to do. But when everything is so interconnected, when my irrational fears penetrate every seam, then it's hard to know what you want to do. After talking about it so much, after whining to the psychologist for 2 years, after analyzing my dreams until they're dust, the scary thing is the thought that I'm back where I started. I don't know really what else to say. |