There's that as well.
2024-09-24 3:20 p.m.

Okay so starting to job search. This is so stressful for me, I'm afraid. It forces me to confront who I am. And who am I? Am I the small insecure child who is too shy to talk? Am I the courageous weird mindlesslug that decided he's gay at 15 and did so many exciting things? Am I a seasoned full of confidence manager who can conquer the world?

I should be the 3'rd, but I definitely don't feel like that. Have to fake it till I make it, but I hate it. And for what? So some board director can earn some more money? But ok ok I realize those are just cynical thoughts which aim to cover my lack of confidence. I mean for sure it would fill the void if I conquered my fears and found a job that does maximize my abilities. I feel so small that I'm still dealing with this shit at 41, too old for this. But I have to respect those feelings as well, like it or not they are who I am. And isn't all human life a weird and non-sensical creation? No more cynicism, no more self hate.

It is sunny outside. My legs hurt, but somewhat in a good way. Oh and my country it probably doing war crimes, while being attacked by crazy islamists from all aides. Yeah there's that as well.