on second thought maybe girls are better.. :)
2001-06-22 2:30 a.m.

well well well well.

i promised to write a more intresting entry today. but it seems the most intersting part about the whole "gatsby" affair was waiting for it. heh.

we decided about meeting at 8:30 (p.m.) in his city. i was a bit nervous, but really not that tensed as i thought i would be. i arrived at our meeting place at 8:30 sharp.

and he just arrived - he looked just as your normal boring guy. the kinda of guy you dont look back at in the street. he wasnt fat he wasnt ugly. not the opposite either.

BUT as soon as he entered my car he said he thinks we might want to consider calling it off. he said he was in a bad "mental state". the thing is he has clinical depression or something, and he takes medication. he even tryed to commit suicide a month ago - so the whole bad "mental state" thing might be true. might not though.

anyway we drove around about 20 minutes..... medicore chatting which there's no reason to elaborate on. then i dropped him off at his house.

there are 3 conceivable reasons for him acting the way he did :

1) he really was in a bad mental state. maybe. though he didnt seem like it.

2) he chickened out .

3) he had this line ready in case im not his "type". ( but even if that is the case FUCK HIM, i like my face and that's the only part of my body he saw since i was in the drivers seat, and i never got out of the car. i really think i have an intresting pretty self-representing face anyway..)

and i dont care. it doesnt matter, not worth wasting on it even an inkling of a thought. i dont care.

an hour before i came he was on the net. if he really was in bad mental state or whatever, he should have told me NOT to come, not to drive half an hour to get to his place. but even this is not worth the anger.

if he wouldnt have acted like he acted, i wouldnt have backed off. i came there knowing what i want.

once he left my car i was feeling all kinda of stuff:

- disappointment - "this is NOT the most important day of my life".

- relief - "WOW i can breath again"

- pride in myself - "i didnt freak out, i was as strong as i could be at the crucial moment." ;

- bitterness - "why did he lead me on?"

- loneliness and pessimism : "and here i am alone again.......maybe forever"

but now it all seems stupid and silly. its like this feeling of "what i was thinking?". it really feels like all this past 4 days of extreme tension and excitement were part of a dream. not sure if a fantasy or a nightmare.....

anyway i will NOT see him again. even if he really was in a bad "mental state", it just doesnt feel right anymore. and thats the end of it.

possible conclusions:

- dont have too high expectations of random people you dont know.

- maybe im not gay after all.....

but maybe those conclusions are silly, cause things might have turned differently and it might have turned out to be the most wonderfull day in my life. or maybe that didnt have a chance even.

but i really think this experience made me a bit straight. sure i might have done it with him had things turned out differently, but still it seems a bit repulsive after all.

anyway i for myself dont have any regrets which is good - on my part i took all the chances, overcame my fears, and even managed to become self-confident. i guess thats good.

okay end of gatsby story. sorry for getting all of you ( and myself ) excited bout nothing. but hell the last couple of days were very intresting..... for me at least.

okay and i FINISHED HIGHSCOOL today. actually i was so preoccupied with gatsby during, before and after my final math test that i forgot to bring my calculator(!!!) . stupid me. anyway some girl brought 2, so she gave me and it turned out okay.

and tommarow im off to portugal. just a calm relaxing trip to a nice city (lisbon). 5 days. im happy i finished this issue with gatsby, so i can go with a clear mind.

but i wont be able to write entries for 5 whole days or so. sniff sniff sniff. there wasnt a single day the in the last 42 which i missed......... well sacrifices must be done. :) poor me.

well thats about it for now. at least lisbon cant screw up..... no bad "mental states" there.....

quote of the day " much ado about nothing". i already quoted this a few days ago, but now it seems ever so relevant, doesnt it?