im just here
1999-04-20 12:46 p.m.

i used to think that thinking is the essence of life, when i was 17 i loved the fact that it took me long to fall asleep, cause i percieved thinking as the apex of my existence. now i dont value it as much, and in certain ways i despise it. it is misleading and selfish. so many times has thinking got me to once conclusion and the next day to the next, it is just not reliable at all, and most usually plainly a waste of time.
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is it a ufo ? ..... no.
its a bird!!! ...... no.
(laughing) its super man!! .... no.
tadada dum !!! it is frederico!
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i did it for fidel, and for the 26'th of july
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when you played on that completely untuned guitar and sang to me, i knew that again i have disallusioned myself
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and when you told me that you're also seeing another guy, then my eyes started swelling. but it is okay. it is okay.

lying there with my head in your chest, with your bare body next to mine, life never seemed so sad. like a plane hitting both parts of my brain, the afterdust was too much to bear.

and then - sex.

and some more sex.
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i didnt go to work, i didnt want to go to work. i didnt care you're seeing another guy, all i wanted is to stay there in bed with you with the noise from your mother's thermostat, all i wanted is to keep on hugging you forever.
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do you understand what im telling you? do you see what im trying to say ? * dramatic pause, change of mood* ...... *whispering* we've got to use our brains.
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and then i cried and i cried and i cried and you held me and you made me feel better.
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and you are right - in life you have to persist, you have to keep on practicing, you have to keep on choosing the hard way, cause no one will come to your door and ask if you want a job, nobody will start talking to you on the street and ask if you want to be his lover, no one will come to my mind and ask if i want to be happy. there is no choice to be strong, and when you're not you have to act like it if you want any chance of happiness.
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im not tired anymore, im not sad im not happy. i dont know where im going, and for the meanwhile i dont care. im just here.

just here